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I put our camper up for sale in the beginning of the week on craigslist and eBay. We will see how that goes. We also disconnected our cell phone family plan to two separate accounts. It will officially be done when she goes to the store to sign something tomorrow. On Tuesday I packed away every single picture of the two of us together (or just her by herself because I did have frames of just her on my desk and such) into totes. I also packed away two “memory” shoe boxes full of stuff from us over the past 5 and a half years – little notes she wrote to me, movie tickets, Broadway Playbills, cards, letters – that kind of thing. I realize that I cannot keep these things forever. That eventually the pictures have to come out of the frames and replaced with pictures of a new life. That eventually I’ll need to throw away most of the things in those boxes and keep only the important few things to remember a life together by. But not today. Today, they are packed away and gone from my vision. The house gets emptier as days go by. Our things are there but we are not.
It will get easier when things are mostly all untangled from each other. When there are no joint pets to take care of. No other bills to be taken care of besides the mortgage. Nothing else to sell or get money back from. It will get easier when I have a better foundation which my new life is being built upon. When I do things for me and because they make me happy and not because I’m trying to barrel through heartbreak. It will get easier when I start being intimate with another woman. When someone else finds me sexy and beautiful and worth it. It will get easier when I have sex, and later, when I date. It will get easier when I can stop thinking daily about them being together. When I can accept the fact that she did in fact cheat on me, this was her doing, and I was wronged here. Not her. It will get easier when I can see myself as she once saw me – independent, strong, intelligent, stunning, funny, amazing – a catch of a woman.
I can see this. I can see it will get easier. I’m looking forward to it.
I went out last night with a friend for dinner, then met up with old co-workers from my old part time job, which I just quit back in October. For the most part, a great group of people. I worked there a year so it was enough time to formulate relationships and friendships. They were all happy to see me, and of course mostly all of them knew. I was so humbled by their kindness and support – really, from a place you might not expect it from people that just don’t know you that well and aren’t in your everyday life. It is kind of like my online and blog friends that I’m making. It really blows my mind that people can care about you this much. My friends – all of them, no matter how I know them – are the reason I was able to survive the first weeks. I’m trying to focus on them, such a positive thing in my life, during this crappy ass time. When you feel so alone and lost (which I often do), you look around, after the tears are dry, and realize that these people are still next to you.
It’s amazing. I’m more than grateful.
So, I’m becoming pretty bored with my current work out playlist. I need some new upbeat stuff. Anyone want to give me some ideas / suggestions?
Amazingly, I have been getting up every weekday morning for the gym at around 5:20. It is amazing because I’m not much of a morning person, and leaving my big old comfy bed to go sweat and exercise is not on my top list of things to do. But, I do it, and I’ve been doing it for the last three weeks.
On Mondays (also Girls Night) my best friend takes me to her house and makes me weigh myself on her scale. I don’t care much about my weight – I’d prefer to just get fit and drop some clothes sizes. But I know part of the reason she makes me is because I didn’t really eat anything solid that first week, and she was concerned and wants to keep track. She’s probably contracting with my mom for all I know. Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to get weighed last week because we went directly out for Girls Night. But I did at the beginning of this week. And to my surprise, I’m down 15 pounds. 15 pounds! I knew I had lost weight, but I didn’t think it was that much. That’s 5 pounds a week! Crazy.
We went to Old Navy after that weigh in for one of my friends, and she was taking so long that I started to look at clothes. I found two cute tank tops and decided to try them on – and I brought in one size lower than I usually wear (because I knew how big my bridesmaid dress was by the time the wedding came around, and knew that the same might apply for a new shirt). And guess what? Those tanks were TOO BIG. They just didn’t look right. At first I didn’t realize that they didn’t look right because they were too big. I just thought they didn’t look right lol. I opened the dressing room door for my best friend and she was like, “Uh, dude, this shirt is way too loose.” So she goes out and gets me the two tanks in the next lowest size – and wow. They fit and they looked cute. I know I’ll lose more weight because I’m so committed, so I’m really putting off buying a new wardrobe, but I couldn’t help it this time – I bought them. I walked out of that store with a size of shirt I haven’t worn in probably 8 years.
I know that all shirts are cut differently and when I walk into another store I may not even be able to fit in that size – but who cares. For this store and these shirts I did.
Nothing like fitting into smaller clothes to make a heartbroken girl perk up a bit. If I still wasn’t in grieving about my situation, I’m sure I could have enjoyed that development much more : ) Maybe in a few months when my pant sizes goes down as well, and more time has passed, I’ll really feel the triumph of it all.
I wouldn’t have picked the getting your heart broken and world crushed diet, if given the choice. But if this is what I’m left with …
About a week ago I entered the “I want sex, and I want it badly” stage. Maybe I want it so bad because I can’t have it, or maybe because I’m a very sexual person naturally, or maybe because my need to be desired and wanted right now is higher than normal. It’s probably a combination. I can tell you this: I’m tired of the vibrator already.
I bought the book Back to Basics: A Butch/Femme Anthology, a few months ago when EJ and I were still together. I’ve started reading the book some nights before bed, and it’s good so far. All of this sex and butches on the brain reminds me of one of my all time favorite quotes, which describes my feelings towards butches so well:
I love butch girls. Girls with slick, shiny, barbershop haircuts, trimmed so short your fingertips can barely grip it. Girls with shirts that button the other way. Girls that swagger… Girls who get stared at in the ladies’ room, girls who shop in the boys department, girls who live every moment looking like they weren’t supposed to. Girls with hands that touch me like they have been exploring my body their entire lives… It is the girls that get called sir every day who make me catch my breath, the girls with strong jaws who buckle my knees, the girls who are a different gender who make me want to lay down for them. – Tristan Taormino
I had this quote pinned up in my office. Now I’m pinning it up on the side of my blog.
I can’t wait for sex. Another perk of healing.
The quick version is this: EJ and I have 5 animals together. I brought a cat into the relationship and she brought a dog. We adopted one more cat and two more dogs after. When she left, I immediately said I was taking Gracie (the first dog we adopted together) and of course the cat that I brought. Heartbreakingly enough, I cannot take an additional two animals because after we sell the house I will be living in a room – either at my mom’s house or one of my friend’s houses, probably for a year, until I can save up money to pay off debt and live on my own. Financially I have no other choice. So when discussing the animals, I told EJ that I could not afford to take the other two (our other cat and our Great Dane, Tucker), nor would I have the space for them. Of course I thought she would take them. No. I was wrong. She has no desire to take the cat and she says Tucker is too difficult and there is no one that can watch him, etc, etc, etc. Needless to say I’ve been devastated over these things – devastated that I’m losing my family. Devastated that I can’t financially or logistically take care of all of my animals. We got Tucker from MAGDRL, the Great Dane rescue in our region, and we are still friends with our contact from there. Two weeks ago I called her and told her the situation and that because of the divorce we had to give him back. They have been extremely understanding, kind, and wonderful. They know we are torn and devastated and want the best possible home for him. I cannot even stand to write this because it makes me physically ill. I know, I KNOW it’s in his best interest – I am not going to be able to give him the care or attention he needs. I can’t do it by myself. I just can’t. But god, it hurts. I feel like a piece of shit.
We got a call and an email last night from the adoption coordinator for the rescue that a woman in Maryland is interested in Tucker already. It is so quick. I didn’t expect it to be this quick. We are technically “fostering” Tucker right now, so we get to talk with the woman to see if she will be a good fit. On paper she looks wonderful – experienced Dane owner, great work hours, kind, loving – and apparently she is in love with Tucker. I can’t tell you how much I’ve cried. That’s my baby. It’s my dog. And now he’s not anymore. Just like that. It feels like I’m losing everything. Losing everything over EJs inability to communicate properly with me. I’m starting to get angry. I’m angry she has done this. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Four weeks ago I had everything and was happy. It still doesn’t feel like it’s for real.
In the meantime, I apparently don’t have to worry much about her talking on the phone anymore. We had a small talk / mini-confrontation on Sunday and I was informed that she won’t be at the house much at all anymore. She doesn’t feel like it’s her home now, and once Tucker is adopted, there is really no reason for her to be there. So yes, she’s in full swing with the other woman, living at her house, sleeping in her bed, which is probably still warm from the other woman’s ex partner, who she left only 3 and a half weeks ago as well.
I told her it was a mindfuck to me because she is not the same person as she was. The person that was able to lie, cheat, and betray me is not the person I once knew. The person that is now a cold, unfeeling, uncaring bitch towards me, the woman you’ve loved and called your wife for the last half of a decade, is not the person that I once knew. “Who are you?” I asked her more than once. Once with tears in my eyes. What happened to you, to the person I once knew? She confirmed that she is not the person she used to be when I met her. Yea, I can see that. It’s the truest thing she’s said in a long time.
I can’t wait until I’m truly angry. Until it doesn’t hurt. Until things she says and does have no power over me anymore. Until I am un-broken. Until I am healed. I know it’s only been a little over three weeks, but baby, it has been the longest three weeks of my life. When time is the biggest healer of all, it seems like it’s never gonna come.
I’ve loved this song for a few years, but I just came to realization yesterday that oh my goodness, this is me right now. This is my life.
Where Does the Good go? – Tegan and Sara
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go
look me in the eye and tell me you don’t find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen
its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go
where do you go when your in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down
what do you say it’s up for grabs now that your on your way down
where does the good go
where does the good go
look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen
it’s love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me that you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen
its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go
it’s love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go
(look me in the eye)
where does the good go
(and tell me you dont find me attractive)
where does the good go
(look me in the heart)
where does the good go
(and tell me you wont go)
where does the good go
(look me in the eye)
where does the good go
(and promise no love is like our love)
where does the good go
(look me in the heart)
where does the good go
(and unbreak broken)
where does the good go
(it wont happen)
where does the good go?
I skipped the gym this morning, which leaves me feeling guilty and anxious. But I woke up feeling so nauseous, which I know is 95% due to me eating last night at the rehearsal dinner. I’m just not used to eating, and last night I had two small mushrooms (appetizers), a piece of bruschetta, a few bites of a salad, and about 5 or 6 bites of my chicken parm and linguine. That is a LOT of food compared to what I’ve been eating, but I wanted to make sure I really made an attempt to eat because a) everyone is/was watching me and b) they are paying for me to have dinner, so I didn’t want to not eat. When I woke up, I could feel the food at the top of my stomach, right under my chest. The thought of bouncing around at the gym made me want to vomit, so I did my best to fall back to sleep. I have the wedding tomorrow, and I’m not sure if I should attempt to get up and go to the gym or take a break, considering how busy and nonstop I’ve been. But then I feel guilty because I didn’t go today and I can’t go Saturday. Three days off from the gym in one week gives me anxiety. I don’t know what to do.
Tonight the bridal party is getting manicures and pedicures. Then I unfortunately have to drag my dress and my friend to the mall to go bra shopping, because I cannot find my strapless bra anywhere in my house. And I NEED one. The nail appointment isn’t until 7, and I know the mall closes at what, 9? 9:30? Geeze I hope I make it. I tried on my dress the other night after it was altered, and it is big around my chest again (that’s where I got it taken in at). I know this is due to the weight loss. It figures of course that one of the first places I lose weight is in my chest. How depressing.
I’ve been thinking about other blogger’s comments regarding EJ on the phone with the other woman all of the time.
I’ll first say that she IS in her room most of the time. Unfortunately, the upstairs is so small that even with the doors closed I can hear her talking (not what she is saying, just talking). And she actually talks low. When I leave my room to go to the bathroom, let’s say, I can pick up on words more clearly. Not intentionally, it’s just that tight upstairs. Other times where it’s more in my face is when she’s walking around the house (doing laundry, cooking, etc) and I also happen to be in a common area and obviously I’m passing her while she’s on the phone. She really doesn’t say much during these times (obviously she doesn’t want me listening), but I’m also quickly moving to wherever I’m on my way to, so I don’t hear anything anyway. The night is the hardest, when I’m settling for bed (alone) and she’s in fascinating conversation with another woman. So I turn up the TV.
Secondly, neither of us can leave the house. Literally, we refinanced it the week before she left me (it was in the works since January). We would probably take a loss at this point. And even if we were to break even, I still wouldn’t sell right now, because I want to do more than break even – I would like to financially gain something out of this investment. Fuck that. She makes over twice what I make, so she isn’t concerned with making a profit. That’s nice for her, but I’m financially fucked and I want to try to make something. It would significantly help me pay off CC debt, which would be extremely beneficial in making steps towards living alone. Also, I know that I do not want to pay half of a mortgage and not live there. Neither does she. And both of us have little options of where to go right now. Yes, I could go to my mom’s (a death sentence, but I could still go), but I won’t go anywhere if I’m still paying. And let’s be real – this is my home. I want to be there. It’s where I’m comfortable, it’s what I know, it’s where all of me is. I think that I have to learn to live with her for a year, or whatever the time frame is. I know it would be easier for me emotionally and mentally not to, but financially, it’s out of the question. I HAVE to learn to live there with her. I have to reclaim this space as half mine. I’m hoping my therapist can help with that.
I like Casey’s suggestion of asking her to stop talking when I’m around out of respect for me. It’s logical and it makes sense – this is still extremely fresh and I have to sit with it in front of my face every day. But I’m also not sure it’s a battle I want to fight. I like Two Mom’s suggestion of not letting her know it bothers me. I did tell her about a week and a half ago, during a “meeting” we were having, that I was having a tough time going to sleep because I had to fall asleep with the TV on because I could hear her. When I told her this, I said it light-heartily, because again, how else can I say it? It’s her room, it’s her phone, it’s her life.
I don’t know. I’m torn about that.
I’m trying my best to be excited about the wedding, but I admit that I’m dreading certain aspects of it. Just not being on her arm – I’ve showed up with her as my date to countless functions for five and a half years. She held my purse or my shoes. She put her hand on the small of my back while we stood next to another couple, chatting, talking about life. People took pictures of us together. We danced. We enjoyed each other’s company during a nice evening out. It’s going to be very strange not to have that, and strange to have to watch everybody who does. I don’t think I’m going to be able to not miss her tomorrow. And I hate that. I wish I could discard it all.
Last night was relatively uneventful. I went to my mom’s for dinner and helped her set up an eBay account so she could start selling things. I usually visit for a while but I was back home again by 8 because I had to finish a picture DVD I started working on the day before. The DVD is for my friend’s rehearsal dinner (which is tonight!). Unfortunately I had to stay up until 12:30am to finish it, which is waaaaay too late when you are getting up at 5:25 for the gym every day. At least I finished it though. Only 5 hours of sleep is a wonderful excuse to skip the gym, but I didn’t. I was so proud of myself.
EJ came home later, and it is still weird. She is constantly on the phone with her, which puts it in my face more than it already is. I mean, she is single now so of course she can do what she wants but it’s still beyond surprising how much they talk and it still really hurts. It makes me sick that she has moved onto someone else so quickly, and moved on so intensely. The seriousness of their courtship seems apparent. Sometimes I don’t know how I get through the day without vomiting.
Today is a nice day though. My boss took us out to lunch and I’m leaving at 4 to go to the rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner. Spending time with some friends, good food and drinks should be a nice evening. These are positives and this is what I try to think of. It’s difficult, because everything is splattered with her (like she was supposed to be there with me tonight), but I am trying. That’s something, right?
The Others Have Spoken