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Two months today.
I sometimes cannot help but think in terms of “before” and “after.”
I sometimes cannot help but think of what we were doing together 3 months ago, 6 months ago, a year ago. Together.
Sometimes still hard to believe.
Two months ago today was the most devastating day I’ve ever experienced. Blow after strike after punch after pummel, it came again and again, relentless. Broken, shattered, torn, nauseous, stunned, cracked, damaged, betrayed, confused, defeated, crushed, dejected, shocked, bewildered, deceived, let down, unloved, sick. Heart. Broken.
I will never forget the way I felt. It makes me sick even now to think about that day and the days that followed and everything I had to experience. I don’t wish it upon anyone.
In two months I’ve had to change. I had no say, no decisions in the matter. I just had to find a way to keep on living without her, without us, without the family and life we created together. I’m so different, but still so much the same. The recognition of that is astonishing to me and somewhat puzzling.
My thoughts are a little all over the place this morning, but I wanted to get it out … the elephant in the room inside my head. A post just about EJ and the divorce because I can’t believe it’s been two months already and I want to be done with it for the rest of the day because it’s just another day. Two months and I’m still standing and yes, there it is.
I started reading Skinny Bitch this morning, and wow, it’s quite interesting. Really no-nonsense, which I like … I’m just not sure how I feel about eliminating all meat and dairy from my diet. The points they make seem to make sense and add up, but wow. I’m not sure. I have a trip planned this weekend to Whole Foods (I wish I had one around the corner!) so I’m excited about that. The thought of getting my body rid of all this crap I barely knew existed really appeals to me . So let’s see what kind of menu I can come up with after grocery shopping. I’ll maybe look for an organic vegetarian cookbook, since I can’t cook to save my life and have little creativeness there. I think becoming vegetarian wouldn’t be as difficult for me as I used to think. Hmmm. Change is something else, I swear.
EJ is coming over on Saturday to help our roommate move out (he is getting an apartment with his girlfriend. Yay!) and also to start packing some stuff up. Thank god. The sooner she gets her shit out, the sooner the house can be and feel like mine and only mine. I’m also going to my cousin’s wedding on Saturday, rocking the same dress I wore to the wedding last week (except I took it to the cleaners to get the sleeves hemmed because they were falling off). That starts at 2, but I have to drive around like a chauffeur to pick up two of my brothers so I’ll probably leave my house noon to get everyone. So it’s nice that I won’t be at the house with her, because I don’t want to be. I’m sure I’ll hit the gym in the morning as well. It’s not even about being hurt from seeing her or seeing her and missing her. I know neither of those are how I feel. I just don’t want to be around her. She doesn’t give me the happies anymore. I don’t desire her company. I don’t want her in my house, in my space, especially when I’m there. I’ll be grateful when she’s gone later that evening. Speaking of, I tried to ask her what time she would be done because I have a house guest coming that night (B) and she said she didn’t know when she’d be done. It’s so annoying. Pick a time. I wish I could demand her to be gone by a certain time. B expressed that she wasn’t uncomfortable at all being at the house with EJ there, which I appreciate, but I’m not interested in all of us sharing the same space. So after the wedding if EJ is still around (which I think she will be) we will go out to dinner.
More positively I’m trying to think about the Phillies game I’m going to on Friday night with Donna, one of my BF’s, and how much fun that will be. Then hanging out with B the latter half of the weekend should be enjoyable. On the agenda with her is a shopping trip to Whole Foods, sex, landscaping, gardening, taking the doggie to a park, and more sex.
I want to be a curvy skinny bitch. I want my living space all to myself. I want to find hot butches to date. I want to be happy. Again.
How your wants change when your life changes. Wow. Change is something else.
How my heart sank. I just don’t understand. I try to see the other side here, but I cannot. I know change does not happen overnight, and these things take time, and that in 20 years we will look back and see how ridiculous this all was. But still.
This, from Andrew Sullivan’s blog:
. . .”And these married couples and their families and children will now become the focus of the debate in California, as they should be. They are the evidence that we are right: that extending the blessings and responsibilities of full family life to gay men and lesbians is a good and conservative and integrating thing. We need now to put these families forward as our core argument. Their lives are our best case. Like mixed-race married couples in another era, they will show that there is nothing to fear here and much to celebrate.”
I am blogging from the Jury Assembly Room at the Hall of Justice in Camden, NJ. This is my first time at Jury Duty. I can’t imagine being here until 5.
It’s going to be a long day.
The office is going to close a little earlier today, which is such a nice little perk. I’ll get to go home and relax. Then I have a wedding tonight for a couple I don’t really know. Yes. Strange. They are my brother’s friends … he brought them to a fundraiser my parents had in March and they loved us so much they were like “your totally coming to our wedding.” I was drunk, they were drunk, sometimes people say things like that when they are drunk. Nope, they meant it. Two weeks later we got our invite.
Today is 7 weeks. Almost two months. Unbelievable. Today would have also been the 10 month anniversary of our engagement. Or our 5 year 7 month anniversary. 22nd was a special date. Not so much anymore, eh? How do you remove the emotions and the feelings with things like these? How do you detach? It’s manageable enough to separate bank accounts, cell phones, homes. I can’t physically remove the 22nd and everything it used to mean to me from my head or my heart. I want to. Too soon perhaps.
I wish I could throw it all up, get it all out, into the toilet, flush it away. Wipe my mouth, brush my teeth. Leave the bathroom knowing in 15 short minutes I’ll be back to myself and feeling so much better.
Instead I’m detoxing. The worst was over in that very beginning, but it’s still not all out. This is sometimes so misleading. I want it gone. Terribly so.
This isn’t easy.
B came over last night. I woke up to her, and to morning sex. I’m not using dating as a way to replace what I had or ignore the divorce or the feelings I have regarding it. I’m constantly evaluating the breakup, myself, my current state. But I have to say – dating sure helps the process.
The 22nd – some good, some bad. On we go.
I’ve made it a part of my healing process from this divorce, from this heartbreak, to try to find positives in my life – even if they are small. Which can be difficult to do when you are so immersed in your own misfortune. As the days go by, I try to train myself more and more to live in this moment and not in the past moments. To be grateful for where I am at right now, even if it wasn’t what I wanted, because you only get a chance at this life once. Focus on the good things, I tell myself, because there is good, despite the bad. You may have to change your definition slightly of what is good and what makes you happy because your life has changed– but look hard enough because it’s there. So here’s a small list of good things that are happening right now:
-I am losing weight and getting healthy, which not only makes me look good but makes me feel good too.
-I get to go home to an excited, wiggly, lovable, doggie every day. I miss her brother and sister like hell, but at least she is still there.
-The sun is shining today. It feels good on my skin.
- I am writing more.
-I’m going to Italy.
-I got a pedicure last night and my toes look super cute.
-I’m learning about myself and the strength I didn’t know I had.
-I have a job. I even have a job I like.
-I am building new friendships through the world of blogging, and am incredibly grateful and excited by these.
-I am going to the shore this weekend, in between my part time job. In the past I would have been frustrated that I had to work. Today, I’m grateful for the chance to make extra money and grateful that I get to be in one of my favorite places in the interim.
-My nails – all of them – are long. They are naturally mine and they are long and that’s the first time that’s happened in my life, like ever.
-I’m talking with someone I find really interesting via email, and I’m enjoying it.
-I see my girlfriends once a week and it nourishes my soul.
-I’m alive and healthy.
“Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.”
– Corita Kent
Water ice, to give you an idea, is kind of like a snow cone or shaved ice, but not really. It’s smooth and fruitier than that. Really smooth. It’s best eaten on hot, muggy, humid nights. Another name for water ice is Italian ice, although if you are a true Philadelphian, you’ll call it by its real name, water ice : ) The are two large, popular chains in this area (Rita’s and the Philadelphia Water Ice Factory) although there are tons and tons of small ice cream shops that sell water ice. I have a Rita’s literally 1 minute from my house (that’s where we were last night)… so lucky me )
Read this article I found which gives a pretty good description of this delicious local treat.
Really, there’s nothing like it.
Look, ya’ll now have two good reasons to visit Philly/Jersey this summer:
2. Water Ice