Let’s just get it out of the way now – the big elephant in my head : today is the year anniversary of my engagement. An engagement that has been cancelled, terminated for reasons I myself still do not understand and probably never will. I’ve tried not to let my thoughts wander to that day, that morning, as the sun rose over Cadillac Mountain, it’s first rays of light hitting the east coast, and I, taking pictures unaware, turned around to find my ex-love standing there with the ring box open, tears in her eyes, asking me to be her wife. I’ve tried not to let my thoughts wander to the butterflies in my belly, to the kiss and embrace as I said yes, the feeling of the ring slipping on my finger, the astonishing happiness of the moment. I’ve tried not to let my thoughts wander to the rest of the day, to the hike we took with Gracie or the quaint place we had breakfast or the shopping we did, hand-in-hand, my ring glistening as my hand fit perfectly in hers, the lunch we had overlooking the pond, my mom’s happiness as I told her and showed her the ring, the way it felt, knowing I would soon officially be her wife.
I’ve tried not to think too much about these things today, and mostly, I have been successful. This day hurts less than I imagined it would but more than I wish it would. It seems like a dream, some fairytale that I made up. The perfection of the proposal, the happiness of the couple, the seemingly perfect life that was happening – was it really my life? It chokes me up, a ball of unknowingness that sits at the base of my throat, this life I sometimes miss so much I can barely breathe.
Tears run down my face as I type this. Sometimes the sadness wins.
I think the event I have tonight is helping me keep my mind off things, which is definitely a positive. I’m co-hosting a GLBTQ faculty and staff summer bbq here at the well known university I work for, which my co-worker and I completely put together ourselves. We had about 80 people RSVP, which doesn’t include the people they will be bringing with them (family, kids, friends, etc), so it should be a good turnout. I’m just excited to meet other gay faculty and staff – getting to know my community here at work should be nothing but awesome.
After the event tonight, which my bestest is coming to, we’re going to stop by an awesome sex toy and clothing shop here in Philly because I think I’m going to finally purchase a real, true-blue, genuine corset. I tried some on this weekend (can’t wait to write about that) and I have seldom felt sexier than when wearing this fine piece of clothing. So, I think I’m going to treat myself (and surprise B) and indulge.
One day at a time.