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Sometime at the end of the summer I loosened the grip on my fears and relaxed a bit. I’ve tried, ever since the beginning of us dating, to not be scared and to trust and to let things be, but of course, that was not easy for me. The more time that goes by the easier this gets, the more comfortable I am, and the more I open up. I feel like I was oftentimes waiting for the bad thing to happen or the floor to drop out – always sure it would only be a matter of time before things went south.
I’ve felt a personal shift within myself, a calming balance of sorts, and I welcome it. I think a lot of this is that B and I continue to get to know one another, and this makes things much easier. I understand better when she communicates or what she means when she says certain things or what her facial expressions are saying– whereas before I was having a difficult time, having communicated romantically with the same person for almost 6 years prior and just being used to that. I am starting to feel like her being my girlfriend is the most normal thing. Things are so comfortable, and there is an ease with that. I can rely on her and depend on her and feel supported by her. This makes me happy. She makes me happy.
I had some ugly moments on Monday. I was triggered by something (I’m not sure what) and my feelings and thoughts became somewhat cold and irrational and I was feeling hurt and mean and sorry for myself. As I continued to throw things out or pack them away I cried, big sobbing tears, not really sure what to do with all of my emotion. B and I were able to talk it through and I apologized and she forgave me for acting like a bitch and I eventually felt better about everything. Sometimes I am so sad about having to leave my home and what I’ve worked so hard to build … sometimes I’m sad and missing EJ and what we had… sometimes I’m just afraid about my future and that things can’t just be how I want them to be right now. I think all of these things came at me at once – I didn’t like it. I’m not always strong and I’m not always positive and on Monday things got the better of me.
After I calmed down I did a little more packing and B helped and I made dinner (shrimp alfredo pasta) and B made me some excellent martinis and my bestie came over and went through some things I am giving away and took quite a bit off of my hands. It turned into a really nice evening. B left on Tuesday morning, which is always sad, but things are a bit hectic right now so at least I’m busy.
Today, 5 years ago, at the ripe old age of 22, I made settlement on my first home. Such an accomplishment. I was so proud of myself, so proud of us, so happy about this new chapter in my life. It was such a positive experience and time in my life that it’s hard to be sad about it (besides the occasional moments), and I just try to remember that this is a part of who I am, a part of what made me the person I am today, and in the future there will be a better home for me, a reason that this needed to happen.
I was starting to wonder if I would do things differently if I could. But I can’t say that I would.
A year from today – September 25, 2010 – would have been my wedding day. This date does not slip by me, as other dates do not, because I am still in a state of healing and evolving, so these are things I remember, even when I don’t want to. On this date last year, EJ and I had sent each other “Happy Two Years Until We’re Married” emails – which was cute, and I remember thinking that it felt like an eternity before I would be sending this email out again in a year’s time, counting down the last 365 days until I could “officially” be her wife. I can’t believe it’s been a year already – life passes by so quickly.
My engagement ring still sits in my jewelry box and I think that I will sell it soon. This is much sooner than I had anticipated, but I’m always surprising myself.
I looked into her eyes, chocolate brown, tears in them. Beautiful.
How many times have I done this before?
My heart was beating fast as we embraced, the last time I knew.
The smell.
I held it all in the moment, imprinting it into memory.
Then I let go.
The first time of many.
Try to begin again.
Things with EJ were fairly uneventful tonight. She was home when I got there, tightening the bolts in the toilet per the request from the buyers from the home inspection. I had a quick dinner and then started packing … after a while she asked for my help with the toilet, so I did, then went back to packing, and then soon she was ready to go through the joint things.
DVD’s were easy – most we knew whose was whose. The ones where we weren’t sure we either gave to the other or split the pile. The kitchen wasn’t bad either – she really didn’t take that much which is great for me. Granted, most of it will be going to storage for now, but still, when I do move back into my own place, I’ll have it.
There was actually some regular conversation back and forth, some small jokes and maybe even a smile or two. I’m still sometimes amazed at the friendliness at which things are at right now, the physical disassembling of everything, no fighting, very cordial and civil. The only issue we have is that we both want the TV that’s currently in my bedroom because it’s newer and better, and neither of us are backing down on it, so she said we have to either flip a coin or put a name in a hat or draw straws or something. I don’t like that, I of course think I should get the TV of my choosing since she makes 1.5 times what I make (literally), but I didn’t say that – I just said I think it should go to me and she disagreed so now we have to settle it democratically.
I went through my bookshelves tonight and packed almost all of my books – 8 boxes! – which is a lot, I think. I feel accomplished for the day. I came across somewhat difficult things, such as our wedding notebook and wedding binder, our camper log book, our house binder from when we bought the house & all that research we did, her “All About Me” book that she filled out, and a journal that she had bought me. The journal was inscribed by her (dated Christmas 2004) and she started the message out “To the Love of my Life” … and then proceeded to say how she knows how beautifully I write and she bought me the journal so I could write about the everydays of life, the good and the bad and the sad and the happy … it choked me up. I remember getting it. I remember reading the words. I remember how much she loved reading what I wrote. How much she believed in me. And finally, I choked up because look, there it is in print, I was the love of her life. I remember that. I remember feeling that. Wow. She really loved the shit out of me. And I remember.
So, since I’m newly into this whole cooking thing, I’ve been telling B I want an apron. When we’ve been out in stores, I haven’t seen one that I’ve liked. So she told me that she could probably find one of her grandmom’s that’s cool and that would work and to not spend the money.
But then I was looking on one of my favorite websites, etsy.com, and saw that there was an apron category! There are so many cool aprons on there. Now I have too MANY choices and don’t know what would look good on me.
I think if you all are bored, you know, like sometimes when you are on a phone conversation that you are barely paying attention to, some meeting for work or whatever, and you just need something mindless to look at … you should head on over here where the aprons are and scroll through some and give me your opinions about what pattern(s) you like.
P.S. – I’m all about the full apron, not the half!
On Friday night, B drove from Pennsylvania with her two nephews, b (who is 8) and c (who is 2) so they could spend the weekend with us at my place. On Saturday we went to the Philly Zoo, bright and early (we left the house at 9am because the buyers for my house were getting a home inspection), came home around 2:30 and we ALL took a nap, and then headed to a fundraiser my parents have every year to save the lake that they live on. Sunday, after homemade blueberry pancakes and baths, we packed everyone up and headed back to PA to drop the kids off in time for c’s naptime (which he never ended up taking). Then in the evening we headed to Red Lobster with 16 other people to celebrate B’s sister’s birthday. So, it was a packed weekend; lots of quality time with B’s family. I still haven’t downloaded the pictures from this weekend, but I’ll have to find some time because they are so cute.
The only thing that was a little annoying was the comment or two that I got from B’s brother in law, her sister’s husband and the kids’ dad. For whatever reason, c, the 2 yr old, has taken to me. Like, a lot. He wanted me all weekend, wanted to be comforted by me, wanted to hold my hand, wanted to do everything with me … you get the idea. I mean, I think it’s awesome and I’m so glad they both like me so much, and it’s so cute, all positive things. So when we dropped the kids off at the house and we stayed around to wait for dinnertime to come, of course c wanted to see his parents, but then eventually he wanted me again – he was playing with me, laying on me, that kind of thing. Then at dinner, where his 6 grandparents were, his uncle, and his parents friends (who all have been in his life from the beginning, obviously), he choose to sit with me most of the time. He didn’t ignore everyone else, but once we sat down at the table and he wanted out of his seat, he came to sit with me about four times. So he wanted crackers (before dinner) and I leaned down to ask his parents if he could have them, and his dad made a (trying to be funny) comment about how I’m his second mom now, so I should make that decision. And then later made a comment about how he got spoiled while he was away this weekend and that’s why he doesn’t want much to do with everyone else right now. Yea, whatever dude.
I asked B later if she heard and told her it embarrassed me – why it embarrassed me, I’m not totally sure – maybe because he said it in front of all of those people, some of who I just met that day and others who I have only met a few times. I can’t help it that the kid likes me! B said to ignore him, that he’s just jealous that his baby preferred someone else over him for five minutes. Still. I know it’s not a big deal, but I find it necessary to vent because it annoyed me.
Anyway, it was awesome that the kids like me so much. The 8 yr old told me he was really going to miss me. Isn’t that cute?
Tonight the ex is coming over so we can go through “joint things,” which at this point consist of kitchen items and DVD’s, mostly. I’m not looking forward to sharing the same space with her, but I keep remembering that this will be over soon.
Things have been somewhat stressful with work and still with the house and packing – I still feel very overwhelmed because I haven’t had any time to make any progress. Settlement is a month away and I still have pretty much the whole house to pack up, figure out what things I need to sell on craigslist or eBay and do that, and go about turning off utilities, switching my address on 1,000 things, that kind of thing. I know I’m bitching, acting like I’m the first person to ever have to do this crap, but I just had so little time and notice, and I’m doing it mostly all on my own. Time is going by so fast. *sigh*
At least today is fall. Yay!
The Others Have Spoken