You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2009.
I am making a contribution for Thanksgiving dinner – broccoli casserole – which means I’m cooking, which is exciting! I hope I don’t fuck it up. This is the first time I’m cooking anything for B’s family, and lord knows I’m not a great cook to begin with, so I just want to do ok. I hope somebody besides me likes the dish.
To help my healing over these last 8 months, I have often tried to focus on things I’m thankful and grateful for. It is a healthy thing to do always, but especially when bad things are happening. Anyway, to keep things in perspective, I’m thankful for:
• Having a job, and a job I like at that.
• Recovering from my divorce in the way that I have and the way that I continue to and my strength and resolve in trying to evolve and move on.
• My family and friends who I have leaned on and who have helped me more than I can believe this year.
• The new friends I have met through this blog – the support and love and friendship they give me and the community I feel fortunate enough to be a part of.
• B – for being a fabulous girlfriend, lover and friend. For creating new memories and adventures with me. For being with me in the present, right here in this moment, and enjoying the ride.
• My health.
• Rosie’s new radio show.
• Selling my house in such a short amount of time.
• That Gracie died quickly and without pain.
• Having a place to live and food in my belly.
This past weekend would have been EJ’s and I’s 6 year anniversary. Last year we had celebrated our 5 years by eating fondue and having a romantic night out in the city. I can’t believe it’s been a year already – it is always astounding to me, the passage of time. I am getting better and I am recovering. I am trying to continue to find ways of releasing any anger or hurt or resentment and replacing that with genuine happiness for all of us involved. I can’t wait to be fully healed and healthy from all of this. I wish this for myself and I will try to be diligent in working towards that. It is the only way for me.
I’m excited for the holiday! This is the first year in my working life (10 years) that I’ve had the day after Thanksgiving off. So I’ve never done anything crazy related to Black Friday, like getting up at 3 am or whatever, but I’m totally going to do it this year! I want the experience and it would be nice to get a sweet purchase or two out of it.
I leave work in an hour and I don’t have to come back until Monday and that is wonderful. I hope to be doing some reading, writing, sexing, eating, shopping, and loving this weekend. Perfection.
It’s kind of long but suck it up and deal with it because I want some feedback, damnit!
I started a new job in January after working at the same company for 8 and a half years. My old company was a bank and I hated it because I’m not a banker and banking isn’t my thing. But it served it’s purpose – it put me through school and allowed me to buy a home and fill my belly and all the necessary things to survive. I knew that when I finally got my degree (it took 7 years) that I would look outside of the bank and so I did. It took a while but I finally landed a job where I’m at now – an amazing university in the heart of the city, one of the top research and educational institutions in the country. One of the benefits of working here is that you receive a free education (IF YOU CAN GET IN!) – well, mostly free – you have to pay the taxes on a graduate level program, but that’s really nothing when looking at the whole picture.
So of course I wanted to go to grad school before I got this job but I knew it wasn’t something that could happen in my immediate future because I couldn’t afford to go – especially dealing with almost $100k in undergraduate student loan debt. But getting this job made continuing education a possibility so I started thinking about it.
And then EJ left and my life fell apart and going back to school was the last thing on my mind.
So here I am now, 8 months after the initial blow, thinking about what I want to do. Thinking about what I want to learn and study and how I want my life to be enriched through education.
I don’t want to get my masters for the piece of paper. I did that already with my bachelor’s. I don’t give a shit if the masters I get is completely unmarketable and won’t get me a job and whatever else – I just want to learn. I want to learn about things I’m interested in and passionate about.
So then I start thinking: What do I love? What am I passionate about?
And I answer: Reading, writing, photography, kids, and all of the gays.
So then I look at what masters programs there are for working professionals like myself and I narrow down my options.
The university allows you to make your own course of study in their MLA (Masters of Liberal Arts) program. Literally, you could study pretty much whatever you wanted. They give some certificate options, and one of them is a certificate in Gender and Sexuality Studies. I love it. I would love to study more about gender and sexuality and anything and everything related to the topic. Plus, during the course of this, I get to take other courses in the liberal arts – like a writing course or a photography course or whatever – so it’s really fantastic. All of it.
So here’s where I’m asking for some reader participation:
I pretty much would need to pick something specific within the Gender/Sexuality realm to study. And there is so much!!! So I ask myself: What specifically would you want research or learn about? And the answer is: I don’t know!!!
These are some things that I’m interested in:
- Gay marriage (and maybe even divorce)
- Exploring the connection between rape and being gay, if there is one (I find it fascinating that I’m the only lesbian I know who hasn’t been raped or molested).
- Gay Teen Suicide / Affects of Homophobia and discrimination
- What it’s like growing up gay today, 40 years after Stonewall
- Gay Families / Gay Couples having kids / What it’s like for kids to be children of a gay couple
- Being gay in small town America (I think this interest comes from meeting B and realizing that not everyone does or can live as openly as I do.)
- Transgender anything!
I’m probably missing some thing, but they are what sprouts up immediately. Can any of these be formed into a focused course of study? What else am I missing?
In regards to Gender and Sexuality, what are you interested in? What would you like to learn more about?
And let me end by making the disclaimer that there is a really good chance I won’t be accepted to the university. Working here does not at all mean you’ll get in. It’s a very difficult school to gain admission to, and while I do recognize that I am a smart cookie, sometimes it’s just not enough. But I have to at least try.
I’ll always wonder otherwise.
Go read and watch the video of this little kid speak about how he wants equal rights for all.
Amazing. I love it.
I found out last week that EJ, my ex, proposed to the woman she left me for about a month ago. 6 months after she left me, 7 months after she started to suspect that I wasn’t the one for her. If you’ve been reading me at all you’ll know how obviously life changing and devastating this divorce was for me, how things have happened over the course of this time that I’ve had to mourn or deal with, how far I’ve come from the beginning. Even still, almost 8 months later, I’m frustrated that hearing news about her/them could affect me, because I’m tired of being affected by this situation.
I probably shouldn’t be surprised. If they are pregnant 6 months from now, I probably shouldn’t be surprised about that. That has been what this has been from the beginning – one shocking action or revelation after another.
But listen, it’s kind of nice that they are in a relationship and making a commitment like that – a union based on deception and lies – it should be fitting that they are together so that they can keep that poison within their own circle. I wish them no ill-will but I do believe you can’t put negatives out there without getting some back.
This quote has become one of my favorites since this began:
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. – Wayne Dyer
I have taken EJ’s actions and betrayals and words graciously. I have never screamed or yelled; I did not throw or break anything; I did not beg her to come back to me; I did not purposely make life more difficult for her in the aftermath. I grieved and processed and healed and moved on as best as I knew how, and when doing that I tried my best to not be like she was to me. I think that I’ve been rewarded already – I think I can see silver linings in the middle of all of the trouble and pain – like the fact that our house sold so quickly and I was able to sever this huge tie; like having an initial reason to lose weight, and in doing so looking better, feeling better, and getting healthier; like this causing me to meet new people, see new things, travel to new places; like finding B and beginning an amazing new chapter, full of love and hope and good.
So there is initial shock when hearing news like this, but then I process and I think and I remember the things I am continuing to learn: different things and people make me happy now, but I am still happy; people like them deserve eachother and I deserve better; and finally, any negative energy or thoughts about anyone else is a waste of my time, and I could certainly afford not to have my time wasted.
I’m sure it is something I will still think about for a while, but like everything, this too shall pass.
I’m still surprised at the evolution – not just of myself but of everybody. It is a funny thing, this life.
Today marks 6 months since B and I had our first date. She’s making a special mid-week trip to my house tonight so we can eat homemade pizza, drink wine, and be locked up alone in my room for some uninterrupted time together.
My short little blog love note to B:
I cannot believe it has been six months since our first date. I was not in the healthiest of places when we met yet you saw past that and wanted to stay and didn’t try to change me. I still find it hard to believe that you wanted to get to know me anyway, wanted to try to love such damaged goods. But here we are, a whole half of a year later, still growing and learning and loving. It’s amazing what can happen when you are able to open your heart again.
My time with you has been an unexpected journey of new self-discovery and awareness and you’ve helped that unearthing. You gave me hope when I had none, love when I thought it impossible, and glue when I thought I was broken. Thank you for your support, kindness, patience, generosity, understanding, compassion, and love. You have taught me how to love again and have showed me I’m worthy enough and good enough to be loved. It is beyond words, what you have been able to help restore in me. I can’t thank you enough.
Getting to know you and falling in love with you has been magical and incredible. I can’t wait for tonight, for the celebration of us, for the celebration of an amazing six months together. I am too wise nowadays to wish for a lifetime – so even better, I wish for us an amazing NOW. I know that whatever journey we are on together, for however long, I will cherish and love and appreciate. I can’t wait to see what the next six months holds in store for us.
I’m so glad we found each other. There are no accidents now, are there?
All my love,
And the evolution continues.
There’s this awesome doggie, Destra, that lives in Missouri, brought all the way there after she was rescued from Hurricane Katrina when she was only 4 months old. She has two awesome moms, one who blogs over at Rocket Ramble and who also blogs about her dogs at her dog farm.
Destra is a 5 year old lab/pit mix, full of goofiness and sweetness and energy and constantly wanting to play. Always smiling, she is loving life. Unfortunately, for the past few years Destra has been suffering from what was initially ruptured cranial cruciate ligament and has now turned into that plus additional problems. She either needs two new knees or two amputated legs with a cart – both things out of reach financially for her family. Her moms are doing all that they can for her right now but if she doesn’t somehow get her legs fixed she’ll have to lose her life … which is ridiculous for an otherwise healthy young dog.
You can read all about her story and see pictures at her blog, Destra Dog. Please consider donating something, anything to help her! And if you can or can’t help out financially, could you please re-post this or type up your own blog post about it or email the link to anyone and everyone you know or facebook about her to let them know about this pooch? You never know who you know or who your friends know or their friends and maybe there’s someone out there that knows a brilliant vet or Madonna or Oprah or SOMEBODY that could possibly help this doggie out! Please consider taking a few minutes to do this – it seems like most of Destra’s options are running out and getting the word out there is our last bit of hope.
She’s already survived so much and just doesn’t deserve this You all know I lost Gracie so unexpectedly four weeks ago and if I could have done anything to save her I would have.
Nothing is guaranteed here … but it’s worth a shot! Thanks all for reading and helping in any way that you can.
I signed up for Sirius XM Radio at the beginning of the week because Rosie has a new talk show and I love Rosie so of course I wouldn’t miss it. Today one of the guests was Willy Rodriguez, a janitor and the last survivor pulled out of the rubble when The Towers collapsed. I’ve known about him for years – watched a documentary he was in a few years ago and his story is incredible. Truly moving. Google and You Tube him if you can and listen to his story. Questions need to be answered because what the government and media have conveyed to us about the events of September 11 is not the whole story.
I’m finally giving in and getting a new pair of glasses, hopefully this weekend. I LOVE the pair I have on my face but after two or three years they are just done. I’ve been putting it off because of the expense but I’m getting over it. My mortgage payments have just ended so before I shuttle all of the extra money over to my credit cards I need to take care of this.
I have no weekend plans for the second weekend in a row and that is fabulous. B and I had talked about possibly pulling a Jude and R and not plan a trip by getting in the car on Saturday morning and driving south to see if we could catch some leaves in their peak, take some photographs, have a nice meal or two, get some naked time in the bed and leave all worries behind. It’s up in the air – maybe we will and maybe we won’t. I guess we’ll figure that out tonight. Either way I’m going to have some me time and then some B & me time and that’s what I want and need.
I’ve gotten a decent amount of my Christmas shopping done which is awesome. It’s interesting to be shopping for someone other than EJ (we spent 6 Christmases and birthdays together so after a while you really get the gift giving thing down) but I love shopping for B because it’s different and new and more to learn. What I loved about Christmas with EJ was that even though we got each other gifts all year long (small, big, whatever) we still did Christmas up and made it special. EJ and I are both very thoughtful gift giver s. We paid attention to details and we surprised. We got some of what the other person asked for and some of what they didn’t. We wrapped gifts with a lot of love and detail. We spent the morning together, just us, and then we went to my parent’s house to watch my brothers open gifts from Santa and then exchange with them. We came back home and in a hurry we began to prepare for Christmas Dinner, which we had at our house for EJ’s side of the family. We took video and pictures and I helped cut things while she cooked and I cleaned the house and got the pile under the tree under control and set up the table. We spent all day with our immediate family (us and the fur kids) and then part of the day with our other families. We made new traditions together and we brought some from our past and we knew what was important and focused on that. We loved the holiday before we met each other, but being together made it even better.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about my first Christmas without EJ because when she first left me I thought about all of these things, these first that I would have to have without her. I thought it would be horrendous, sickening, god-awful. As the months pass though and I heal more and more I know of course I will be ok. Now that I’m dating B I get to experience Christmas with her and her family and I’m super excited about it. The problem though is that she isn’t and I’m trying to find a way to make our attitudes about the holidays mesh. She’s had some holiday experiences in the past that just weren’t that great – her mom doesn’t overly enjoy Christmas and doesn’t have any set traditions (like cooking dinner or anything) so B often feels like if she doesn’t do the cooking or make the effort, her and her family wouldn’t get together. Plus, she’s spent the last 4 or 5 Christmases with her ex, so the traditions she does have involve her. I tried to explain to her that we will make our own traditions and now she can experience a new family, as nuts as they are (that would be mine), and that we’ll work it out so it will be great. I don’t think she’s convinced. I hope her attitude changes though after she sees how wonderful it will be. Because it will.
Geeze I don’t know how I started talking about Christmas shopping and then ended with that.
It’s now 2pm and I’m leaving today at 3:30 which is unbelievably exciting. Back to work I go.