I found out last week that EJ, my ex, proposed to the woman she left me for about a month ago. 6 months after she left me, 7 months after she started to suspect that I wasn’t the one for her. If you’ve been reading me at all you’ll know how obviously life changing and devastating this divorce was for me, how things have happened over the course of this time that I’ve had to mourn or deal with, how far I’ve come from the beginning. Even still, almost 8 months later, I’m frustrated that hearing news about her/them could affect me, because I’m tired of being affected by this situation.
I probably shouldn’t be surprised. If they are pregnant 6 months from now, I probably shouldn’t be surprised about that. That has been what this has been from the beginning – one shocking action or revelation after another.
But listen, it’s kind of nice that they are in a relationship and making a commitment like that – a union based on deception and lies – it should be fitting that they are together so that they can keep that poison within their own circle. I wish them no ill-will but I do believe you can’t put negatives out there without getting some back.
This quote has become one of my favorites since this began:
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. – Wayne Dyer
I have taken EJ’s actions and betrayals and words graciously. I have never screamed or yelled; I did not throw or break anything; I did not beg her to come back to me; I did not purposely make life more difficult for her in the aftermath. I grieved and processed and healed and moved on as best as I knew how, and when doing that I tried my best to not be like she was to me. I think that I’ve been rewarded already – I think I can see silver linings in the middle of all of the trouble and pain – like the fact that our house sold so quickly and I was able to sever this huge tie; like having an initial reason to lose weight, and in doing so looking better, feeling better, and getting healthier; like this causing me to meet new people, see new things, travel to new places; like finding B and beginning an amazing new chapter, full of love and hope and good.
So there is initial shock when hearing news like this, but then I process and I think and I remember the things I am continuing to learn: different things and people make me happy now, but I am still happy; people like them deserve eachother and I deserve better; and finally, any negative energy or thoughts about anyone else is a waste of my time, and I could certainly afford not to have my time wasted.
I’m sure it is something I will still think about for a while, but like everything, this too shall pass.
I’m still surprised at the evolution – not just of myself but of everybody. It is a funny thing, this life.
10 comments
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November 18, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Jude
Liz who?Hey, you've become a better person through out all of this plus you've gained one knockout Butch.
November 18, 2009 at 12:35 pm
alphafemme
"I'm still surprised at the evolution."Seriously! Life is so funny.But. More to the point. You're so right on the karma thing. And the main thing is you know you're getting what you deserve. And B seems just so wonderful
November 18, 2009 at 1:05 pm
learner
'evolve or die' is my mantra. im sorry to hear of your disapointment with still being affected by her life's path. i find myself, at times, frustrated with similar situations. but it makes sense. it makse sense that you would care. and i actually think that that is a beautiful thing. at one point, althought not now… you connected with her. i know we work hard to sever those connections, but we are human. we were made to connect. im learning how to focus more energy on how to cope with the emotions i feel about past connections, rather than wishing and hoping the connections would vanish. i believe that is evolution. you are lovely, jen. and you are evolving beautifully.
November 18, 2009 at 1:06 pm
C.I.W.
Love that quote about karma!! I am using that one! How true! I still think about my ex's and where they went right after the relationship I shared with them….and my feelings range … then I have to realize they led me in the direction I am in now– and that is a GOOD thing!!
November 18, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Dragon
I do understand being shocked by the news. But like you said, you moved on, your are happier, living somewhere else, have a great girlfriend and from what it sounds like you feel great. She is history, you got present and future. Totally agree on the karma!
November 18, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Angie
i've followed casey here via your quote on her blog and honestly don't know why i didn't know about your blog until today. i had the exact same thing ( 4 + years of marriage, down to the house, king bed sheets, and RENT obsession) with my now ex, who left me for a former love with NO warning about 9 months ago. (then came back…then left again (this time not for someone, just for her "alone time" …will we ever learn). It's nice to know someone else is dealing with a similar situation. the late night calls to her from the downstairs bedroom. (vomit) Yes, my dear…they can all just keep their poison to themselves. we are ALL full up here. Now, if this house would just sell and we could stop living together, I could start my healing and hopefully be as healthy as you. You inspire me. Thanks for Blogging.
November 19, 2009 at 8:56 am
LilliGirl
It's funny isn't it. You know I've been divorced for more than a couple of years now but finding out the ex was still with the woman I was left for was weird. I didn't want to go back to the relationship and I didn't harbor ill will, but it was a strange moment. Early on I'm sure I might have been a total bitch but now I've healed enough that I don't have to. That.feels.like.goodness.
November 19, 2009 at 9:26 am
greg
You are inspiring. Very few people are able to see the big picture when they're in the middle of something so difficult. I'm glad you know better, it will take you so far.Much love to you, my friend.
November 19, 2009 at 11:44 am
shane rocket
stealing your quote. in a big way.and hugs for your thought process and how strong you are after all the blows you have taken.
November 19, 2009 at 3:23 pm
CJ
I know what you mean! When I hear things about my ex, I get mad that they can still affect me. But then I remember why I left. I remember why things didn't work out. I remember how miserable, controlled and resentful I was. I left her (physically) less than four months ago, but told her I was done months before that. (She decided to continue acting as if we were still together, even though I moved out of "our" room.) In the last three plus months, she has been with five women, had three move in with her, and was engaged to one three days after they started dating. She is now with one (who is also living with her) from a circle of people I know….and let's just say she's less than stable mentally.We all make our own beds. We all have to lie in them. Moving on can be hard. Change can be hard. Letting go of the past can be especially hard. It doesn't mean I love Ash less or want to be back where I was, but it still stings when I hear things. This too shall pass.