You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2010.
I didn’t get that job that I knew I was under-qualified for. But at least I tried, right? I’m neither sad nor happy about it – I had no expectations and it is what it is.
In positive job-related news, I had my year anniversary at my company last week so now they will match my retirement plan contribution up to 5%. I have to get on that and sign up.
Today is my youngest brother’s birthday. He’s 9. Which is unbelievable. I was a freshman in college when he was born. Where does the time go? Seriously. We had his birthday party this weekend and he asked for the strangest gift. This growing child that could easily be my own kid. I love ‘em.
I bought this bike (in white) around Thanksgiving. And it was a 2009 model so I didn’t have to pay the full price tag. VERY exciting. Except I didn’t allow myself to be too excited because I knew it would be months and months before I could use it. (Well, as B says, we could be riding in the cold weather – but I’m not a fan). Now that it’s the end of January I’m dreaming of warmer weather. I’ve started buying bike accessories every paycheck so I can spread it out financially. So far I have gloves, a seat gel thing, and this weekend I bought a helmet! And I’m working on a bike rack for my car, looking on craigslist. I feel like a kid. I can’t wait for the weather to get warm so I can get out on the trails.
I’ve been a terrible blogger. And a terrible blogger reader. I miss writing. I want to write, I just can’t seem to find the time. Work is the biggest culprit. I’ve been working on this project since I started at this company, a year ago. The project is rolling out on February 8th. I’ve been helping to develop, writing the training material, and starting last week, giving orientation sessions. I actually haven’t given the sessions yet, my boss has, but I’m there to observe because I will take over sometime this week. I’m scared and nervous – I’m not a big public speaker. And then the type of audience it is to boot – PI’s and researchers and scientists. Typically two sessions a day, each for two hours. It’s intimidating. I’ve been working on the weekends from home but still handling personal obligations – like birthday parties or dinners or babysitting my friend’s son while they went into labor – 11 days early. And it’s all not really that bad, I just find I’m lacking some ME time so I’m trying to fit that in. I had a chance to sleep in this weekend and B cooked me terrific meals while I worked from home and we got to hang out with some good friends so that was all lovely. Too short, of course, and now back to the grind.
It can be difficult to keep the balance, to keep connected to these things which are so easily disconnected, as they require work and time and attention. Mostly relationships – relationships with oneself, with lovers, with friends, with family, with work – but other things too, like paying the bills on time or finding a minute to get the oil changed or making lunch the night before.
And so we try. Nothing but love. <3
Sometimes days go by where I don’t consciously think about you. I see the picture of us by the door, everyday when I leave, but the pain is less than it was. I take this as a good sign.
B finds a piece of your hair sometimes; on her clothes or her coat or the bed – and she’ll show it to me, “Hey babe, look, a Gracie hair.” Sometimes I’m OK but sometimes I can’t even look at it, it’s so painful to have your hair here but not you.
When I drop food on the floor, there is still a second, maybe two, where I think you’ll come get it before I remember that you won’t.
Today when I came home after working 11 hours, I felt upset, stressed and overwhelmed by work. I cried walking into the room because I just wanted you there to greet me. It’s usually easy to walk into the house here, to walk into my new room, because you were never here with me, you never lived here. But tonight I pictured you here and tonight I wanted you here but of course, you are not.
I walked over to your space on the shelf and traced along the edges of your collar with my pointer finger. And then, like a crazy person, I picked it up and tried to smell you. I think maybe I did.
I cannot believe how much I miss you, my friend. I wish you stayed longer with me. I wish I wasn’t so lonely without you. I hope that you’re OK, and that you know I love you.
Love, Mom
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I don’t care how crazy it is that I write to my dog because this is what I think about sometimes and sometimes I talk to her, in my head, like this, as if she could hear me. I know that the death of a dog is nothing at all of a real tragedy. I know this. I know I’m lucky and that compared to all the things people suffer with and through, this is all I have going on.
But still, my heart hurts. Even if worse things happened to me I would still be heartbroken for her – because she was such a good thing.
Tomorrow will be 3 months and so I think about her and love her and miss her. And I write her this letter because I don’t know what else to do. I’m sure it won’t be the last one, but maybe next time I won’t cry as hard.
Maybe.
I am behind on so many things – on laundry, cleaning, pictures, videos, visiting family and friends, writing, blogging, etc, etc, etc. I’ve been working from 7:30 – 5ish every day. Sometimes I work at home. I leave the house at 6:30 and I don’t get home until 6:00ish or later, depending what kind of errand I have to run after work. When I get home, I don’t want to do anything. I usually make dinner and then get maybe one item done on my to-do list. Then I force myself to watch half of a movie or something fun for some “down time.”
I don’t like this schedule, and I don’t like being so exhausted all of the time. I have been on this project since I started here a year ago – a new system implementation- that is finally rolling out in three weeks. It’s already been busy and stressful but over the next 45 days or so, it’s going to be nuts. I like my job and I like being busy at work but I feel like everything is taking its toll to a point where I can’t bounce back. I want to be caught up on everything, including sleep, but I don’t know how to do that until this is all over. I have a three day weekend so I’d like to use it and try to recover a bit and try not to work, which looks like it’s the best solution for now.
And a kind of crazy thing happened this week. I was contacted at my work email by a recruiter. There is a position open at another Ivy League school, one in a small college town, doing pretty much exactly what I do now except in a more senior roll. He got my info from my job’s website, so I obviously went over to the other university’s HR website to see if the job really does exist, and it does. The crazy part is this: the salary range is double what I’m making now. Double. So of course, I’m not entirely qualified. They want someone with more years experience than I have with a B.A. in the science field, which I don’t have. However, I do here almost everything that that position would be doing. So while I’m not qualified on paper, I’m pretty confident that I could probably rock that job (except when I’m not confident and I have a lot of self-doubt, which happens). The more extensive policies and guidelines that they would want me to know could be easily learned. I think I’m worth the salary; I’m worth the “promotion” to a senior position.
So anyway, I thought about it and decided I should at least talk to the recruiter, so I did. So he sent me a more detailed job description and said if I was interested to send over my resume. So I’m going to do that today. And I’m scared, of course. I’m scared I’ll get the job, mostly. What a big, life changing thing it would be if I did. And yes, I know it’s in the plan to move anyway, but not this soon. But with my financial situation what it is – massive student loan debt and stupid credit card debt – this is an opportunity I should at least try at. And it’s not just about the money but about the opportunity to live and work somewhere else. Experience new things. Meet new people. Expanding my bubble.
So, we’ll see. I’m sure it will probably go nowhere once the director gets a hold of my resume because like I said, the experience just isn’t there. But you never know, right?
I’ve already had three people at my desk this morning and it’s only 8:15, so I suppose writing should cease, for now.
One of the Christmas gifts I got B was tickets to see Parachute in concert at one of my most favorite venues. The show is tonight.
I’m so excited.
When we were in New Hampshire and it snowed, it was so very quiet. Even on main roads where it had been salted and plowed it seemed quieter than at home. When we walked through the woods, I heard the crunching of our snowshoes and my breathing – and amazingly, that was it. Sometimes I would stop walking just to listen. The silence was incredible. Sometimes I could hear a bird. I listened for other animals – maybe a deer, but secretly hoping for a moose. After a few minutes we would start walking again, and so it went.
The snow in the city and in the suburbs of a city is not as quiet. Life is not as quiet. I was out of the house this morning at 6:30, snow covering everything and still falling, and still there were already blemishes in the snow from people that had already left for work. Main roads were salted and cleared and cars milled about in the early morning darkness. Things were not pure like they were in NH. By the afternoon today, it will be hard to find a place around where I live where only the animals have been. It made me miss New Hampshire, or Maine, even though I’ve never been there in the winter. Walking from the subway to my office in the city was pretty – most of the snow is still untouched – and to see a city covered in white stuff before the masses descend is a sight that I love. By the time I leave though, it will be mushy and soggy; the snow will be black; the charm will be gone.
This weekend is bound to be a good one – and I even have to work for a few hours on Saturday! B will get to my house tonight – I’m making Portobello mushroom burgers with a homemade green sauce / pesto thing. And yes, I’M cooking! : ) I made homemade chicken soup from scratch on Wednesday night, and I make a very large pot that lasts me about a week – so I know that will be on my menu tonight and throughout the weekend – perfect with this cold weather too. I have to log into work stuff on Saturday around 11 am, but I can do it from my bedroom AND I’m getting OT so I don’t feel too bad about it. Saturday evening we are having our 4th annual Friends Holiday Party and I’m so excited for it. We started a tradition (I can’t believe it’s been 4 years already) with me and three of my close friends and our spouses, that instead of buying eachother gifts we will get together at one of our houses (it rotates) and all cook together. The menu is decided beforehand and we split up ingredients for all of us to buy and bring. This year it’s a combo menu – Chinese / Seafood because we couldn’t decide. I’m making a shrimp Alfredo dish and B is making homemade crabcakes and the menu is filled with other yummy goodness. We also have a $10 white elephant which is fun. And of course there will be drinking, games and a lot of catching up. It’s always a good time and it’s so much needed. I miss my people. Sunday we are seeing friends of mine and their 4 year old son to exchange Christmas gifts and have lunch. I never have a bad time with them and B has gotten to know them and love them and I love that everyone likes everyone and I’m able to share my life together with all of these people that I love.
So even though it’s a bit busy I get to see so many of my friends. So good for the soul.
B and I were supposed to go to her friend’s cabin (the one we’ve been to multiple times throughout the summer, the one I’ve never gone to without Gracie) next weekend (MLK weekend) with some of her friends, which would have been a spectacular time, but we decided not to go. We have been running around since Thanksgiving and constantly on the go, so we just wanted and needed some down time. I’m hoping we can get up there before the winter is over to see the snow in the mountains and get some great use out of the fireplace. Who knows. Work is crazy for me and we seem to always have something going on.
I’m thinking about a spring break vacation already. Bring on the sun.
I keep thinking about the first two lines of Defying Gravity:
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I knew it was coming, knew it had to come, but when you are in it every day you don’t quite notice. The shift that has taken place inside is becoming more apparent, and it leaves me wondering about choices and next steps and just generally, who I am. Change. It’s sometimes exciting, oftentimes scary, always necessary.
I feel like this year’s transition from one year into another is so much more impacting than former years. I mean, it only makes sense, right? After all that’s gone on this year. I’m trying to hurry up and sweep together all of the lessons I should have learned, all of the discoveries that have happened, all of the mistakes – sweep them up and put them in my pocket and carry them into next year as nothing but wisdom an continue on a new slate. A slate that promises that this year will be better than last.
I have one basic resolution this year which is not so simple, but it is necessary:
This year, I’m going to do what makes me happy and what is best for me, in every aspect of my life. Make the changes I want to make, travel where I want to travel, love who I want to love, look the way I want to look, learn the things I want to learn.
That’s so generalized and obscure, which is what I’m going for 
Honestly, I’m exhausted with the thought of making goals and then failing at them. It’s too harsh for me, right now. I just need to continue taking care of myself, continue healing and truly – just do what is best for me. If I can do that, then all of the smaller goals I’ve thought about making in this new year will fall into place, one way or another.
2009 was one fucked up year for me, wasn’t it? I mean, not all of it, of course, but when I say that I think about the BIG NEGATIVES, like my ex-partner leaving me, having to sell my home, losing my family, being financially stuck, my dog dieing. Damn, what a year. Seriously.
But there are not so fucked up things, too. Like B. Discovering my strength. Meeting new people and making new friends. The chance to recover financially, without having a mortgage to pay. Traveling.
Seriously though, I breathed a sigh of relief when the clock struck midnight. I thought about it all – the past year, EJ, my family, friends, my animals, B, my life – just everything. Then I just cried. I cried with relief that it was over. That I had made it. I cried because I was sad. I cried because I was grateful. I cried for my dog. I cried for all of it. I didn’t want to – I didn’t plan it that way. It just happened. As things do.
2010 has been good to me so far. I hope to the gods that it treats me that way most of the time
You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you’ll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless. – Caroline Myss
I have missed you all.
I’m finally home, back in the land of relatively flatness, of yankees, of city life. There was an ordeal this morning as we were trying to leave Tennessee involving a mountain, snow, B and I in my car, and us almost sliding off of the mountain. Our 10 hour ride home turned into 14, but we are home and safe. No scratches even.
I’ve done some writing over vacation, which is wonderful. I been having such an itch to blog, but right now all I can think about is this morning. I keep replaying it over and over. Even though we are safe I have this anxiety that has nestled in my chest and I can’t get it out. I thought maybe writing a bit about it, getting it “on paper” would help.
After I hit Publish I’ll go into the bathroom and brush my teeth, my hair, go to the bathroom. I’ll come into bed and cuddle with B, ask her to hold me. I’ll close my eyes and try hard to think about something fun, one of the million fun things we did this week, but it will be in vain. I already know I won’t be able to stop thinking about what could have happened this morning, maybe if we left a second later or two seconds before. Maybe if I turned the wheel left first instead of right. Maybe if I hadn’t been so physically calm when I inside I was terrified. What if? What then?
I’m going to go brush my teeth. I have never been more grateful to do so.
The Others Have Spoken