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SG was born this morning at 8:09 am, 8lbs and 12 oz, 20.5 inches long. I’m soooooooo excited!!!!!!
We arrived at the hospital at 7 am this morning, but the maternity ward is on lock down and they don’t let visitors up until 12 noon! WTF? Sooo frustrating.
So as we were getting ready to leave to go to work, we hear this lullaby played over the loud speaker, so D’s stepmom goes to ask if that means a baby is born, and it does, but there are 5 babies waiting to be born so who knows which baby was just born.
Then 10 minutes after we left I got the text that it was him.
I can’t tell you how excited I am. I can’t wait to meet him.
B had traveled to my house a day earlier than usual so we could attend Ivan’s performance together. By the time I got home from work she had only gotten to my house 10 minutes before and was in the shower getting ready. I whipped up a quick dinner of shrimp alfredo, which we quickly ate, before getting dressed to get ready to go.
We left early so that we could give ourselves time to get lost since I had never driven to this campus before. I was excited and a bit giddy to be seeing Ivan in person, which B thought was silly. She was all very laid back about it, saying that it’s going to be cool to see her live, but she was nowhere near projecting the level of anticipation that I was feeling. The butch that wrote Hats off to beautiful femmes, one of the most meaningful and impacting queer pieces that I have read regarding my gender identity from a non-femme – I was going to hear her speak, in person! Plus, she’s hot, and who wouldn’t want to look at that for an hour?
We arrived about 25 minutes before it was scheduled to start, and started walking towards the building. When we reached the top of the steps you could either continue straight, enter a door on your left, or enter a door on your right. We were deciding where to go when the door to our left opened, and Ivan stuck her head out. She looked from B to me, then back to B again. There was a recognition there, in the brief moment they locked eyes.
“I believe you found the right place,” she said, her Canadian accent strange to my ears.
B smirked and replied, “How can you be so sure?”
“Oooh, just a hunch,” Ivan said, grinning back.
My heart was beating a bit as we entered the room, which was empty except for Ivan and the organizer. We introduced ourselves, then I blurted out something about the email that I had written her. I was then quickly embarrassed, telling her I wouldn’t expect her to remember, but yea… She smiled politely and said that she did remember, (but with her hundreds of emails I can’t imagine how) and I really just wanted to get away before I embarrassed myself any further, so I went downstairs to use the restroom. When I came back up B was helping Ivan move something, which I will shamelessly admit that I enjoyed watching.
The venue was intimate, with maybe 50 or so people there. I love listening to spoken word – it is an art, truly – and this time was no different. Ivan was engaging and funny. Sometimes I thought she was looking right at me while she spoke, but I would guess that maybe everyone felt that way, felt included. When she was reading A butch roadmap there was a line where she said, “The word for you is butch. Remember this word. It will be used against you.” And the pause when she looked at B, it was distinctive. It gave me chills.
She made me laugh and cry. And learn. It was fabulous.
After the performance Ivan had a meet and greet with anyone who wanted to chat or buy a book or take pictures. I had no cash with me so B surprised me by buying The Slow Fix for me, autographed by the author herself. Sweet, no? Best girlfriend ever.
A few people were hanging around and talking about getting drinks, so I asked who was invited and Ivan said anyone, so come along. As we were walking out I mentioned that I would need to follow someone because I didn’t know my way around the area. One of the women offered to ride with us, as long as we wouldn’t kill her and cut her up into pieces. Ivan laughed. “They seem like pretty nice people, I’ve been around them all night. I can ride with you though, make sure no one gets hurt.” Ha.
Wait. What? Riding in my car? Ivan? Omgomgomgomg. I held back B for a second to let people walk in front of us, then silently mouthed, “Omg!”
“What?” she said.
“She’s going in my car! I’m so nervous!”
“What the hell are you nervous for? Silly.”
*Internal eye roll* Bois. I swear. I’ll admit it – I was a bit star-struck with a handsome butch lesbian who I got to meet in person who I was then going to have a drink with and who was now going to take a ride in my car. So what? You’d be too, if you were me!
So into my car the four of us piled. The light scent of B’s cologne mixed with Ivan’s filled the car as we began driving, my nerves quickly disappearing and the hum of B’s and Ivan’s chatter filling the air.
There were maybe 9 of us at the bar, Ivan sitting across from B and I, the atmosphere casual and light. After our drinks had been ordered we dove right into amazing conversation, like butch femme stuff, queer mentorship, politics, race, community, and a little bit of get-to-know-you things. It was fantastic.
I took this picture of Ivan with my phone, when her head was turned and she wasn’t looking my way. When I was finished taking it she was still talking to the people to my left, so I was surprised when I looked at the photo later that she was looking right at me (and half smiling) when I snapped it.
She is such a laid-back, down-to-earth, real person that I forgot I was sitting across from Ivan Coyote, and felt like I was just sitting across from Ivan.
She asked for B’s contact info by the end and they were so buddy-ish, it was cute. (I can hear B right now, telling me that being butch buddies isn’t cute!) And then, because I’m obsessed with pictures and such, I asked them to pose together for me. And so they did.
Hot, right?
How fucking delicious are the two of them?
So, in summary, it really was an amazing time and a great experience. I walked away feeling even more inspired with my grad school stuff, more inspired to build community here, and am just generally more in love with my people, if that could be possible.
The next morning when I woke up and checked facebook, Ivan made a status update which included her time in Philly, but more specifically mentioning B:
Great workshop and reading tonight in Swarthmore College. But the best part of all was the conversation we had after. Twenty somethings and the generation gap meeting and talking about butch femme stuff, politics, mentorship, community, race. Smart people who love ideas. I loved every minute of it. I also have a new bromance. B, you are a fine specimen, indeed. Let’s build something together.
Love it.
After I watched Ivan Coyote speak in this video and this one, I knew I had to write him a note. I was so moved and so inspired and I just felt so loved – loved by a complete stranger – I knew I couldn’t let it go by without saying something.
I wrote a note. I told him how reading the words a few months after my ex-wife left me – when I was at such a low point, feeling so ugly and unworthy and hopeless at times – helped to lift me up, restore my faith, helped to heal me. I read the words often, mostly for pick-me-up’s, just like Capitolfemme had mentioned in one of my comments. So, I just let Ivan know what the words meant to me.
I didn’t expect a response, but I got one. How nice, right?
Then I got a call from B on Monday because she saw on Ivan’s facebook that he was coming to the Philly area to speak, and did I want to go?
Uhhh, yes!
So tomorrow night I’ll be getting to listen in person and that’s a wonderful bonus to an already beautiful spring day. It also means B is coming to my house a night earlier than usual – triple bonus.
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I watched Ivan’s videos in the middle of my grad school soul searching and it further cemented what I knew I should study. What am I passionate about? What moves me? What is close to my heart?
Whether it gets me a career or a better job or not can’t be relevant anymore. I need to study what I love, what drives me, what motivates me.
So, although I don’t know the specifics yet because I’m interested in so many things related to gender and sexuality and queer studies … at least I know what road to turn onto.
Here goes.
Today is Dykeevolution’s one year anniversary! It still feels surreal that time is passing so quickly. When I think about what prompted me to change blogs and start at a new space and what the inspiration for the title was and how absolutely painful and excruciating a year ago was for me … all I can feel right now is gratefulness.
Especially grateful for my tiny little home here in blogville – to be able to do with it what I want. I’m thankful for a space I can let it all out – writing is therapeutic for sure. For the little bit of readers who I can interact with, get advice from, relate to and relate with, and those who lend an ear, even if it is virtual one – I am thankful.
I’m going to sum up the last 12 months of blog life via quotes that I think do a good job of describing my journey. Little different than the standard ramble. Here goes.
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- Every betrayal contains a perfect moment, a coin stamped heads or tails with salvation on the other side. – Barbara Kingsolver
- As we do at such times I turned on my automatic pilot and went through the motions of normalcy on the outside, so that I could concentrate all my powers on surviving the near-mortal wound inside. – Sonia Johnson
- How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. – Wayne Dyer
- Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible. – Jane Rubietta
- My little dog – a heartbeat at my feet. – Edith Wharton
- Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart. – Marcus Aurelius
- Your wealth is where your friends are. – Plautus
- Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again – this is the brave and happy life. – J.E. Buckrose
- You can’t expect to prevent negative feelings altogether. And you can’t expect to experience positive feelings all the time. The Law of Emotional Choice directs us to acknowledge our feelings but also to refuse to get stuck in the negative ones. – Greg Anderson
- Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, savor you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it will not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky, and want, more than all the world, your return. – Mary Jean Irion
- Beginnings are often scary, endings are often sad, but it’s the middle that counts. You should remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. – Steven Rogers
- I love my past. I love my present. I’m not ashamed of what I’ve had, and I’m not sad because I have it no longer. – Colette
Here’s to another 12 months of making the best out of this space … started out of necessity… kept out of joy.
I didn’t get the job that I had an interview for back in March. I was a little bummed about it, but not upset. Things happen for a reason. So I’ve been doing two things: a) looking for jobs around B’s area and b) thinking about what I’d want to go to grad school for.
I work for a university, therefore almost all of the cost of schooling would be paid. Three problems I face are: a) there is a limited number of grad degrees you can obtain while working full time, b) I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life – there are so many things I’m interested in that I would love to study or learn more about – how do I narrow it down?, and c) while I do realize I’m a smart person, I work for an ivy league university where admission competition is fierce and difficult – the chances of me not being admitted to grad school are probably higher than me actually being admitted.
I realize I should just pick something soon, take advantage of a “free” education (even if I may not want to do that for the rest of my life) and get on with my self-fulfillment. All this thinking – enough to make your brain explode!
There are constant workshops that go on here at school, and one of them was Photoshop Basics … two hours out of my workday doing something fun. It was awesome! I wish I could take more classes (I’m such a better hands-on learner). So I played around with a few pictures this week. I have no idea what I’m doing. Ahh. Good times.
B was supposed to come to my house this weekend (we do every-other) but my nephew is supposed to be born next weekend, and I want to be home for that. How exciting! I’m so giddy about it. So yea, I’m heading back to her house again this weekend for more country fun.
Then, I put in my vacation time today … one extra day around memorial day weekend and a whole week around July 4th. We’re going to South Carolina with above mentioned nephew and his parents. Also super exciting.
Spring time makes me so happy. So glad it’s quite different this year than last.
I posted this article back in July when I first read it. I loved it the first time, but it’s 100% better listening to Ivan speak it.
This one also made me tear up. So moving.
This made me cry. It is brilliant.
The Others Have Spoken