This has been a difficult month for me in regards to missing my dog. I don’t know what it is but I’ve had so many triggers and I haven’t really been able to direct them into positive emotion. I have wept – that hysterical, can’t breathe, painful crying – twice in the last few weeks. Once alone in my room and once with B.
I still sometimes can’t believe she’s really gone. Still.
I mentioned that fact to B when I was vomiting my emotion all over her the other night. She sounded surprised. And in summary, when talking about my grief, she mentioned to me that “It’s been almost a year,” – implying that it’s been enough time to grieve. I filled with anger. Anger that I don’t tap into very often. Rage almost. And hurt that she could think that – let alone say it.
The way she said it was almost as if I cry about Gracie every day. As if I can’t function or mention her daily in the 9 months since she has passed away. That doesn’t happen. My moments are occasional (to me) and usually really mild- like a “Hey, I really miss Gracie today.”
Who is to say how long we have to grieve? Where’s the fucking rule book that says after 9 months I shouldn’t have a good weeping session, shouldn’t find it hard to believe that my best pal is gone? You know, this is why I don’t mention it much to my friends or my family anymore – because she has been gone for some time and I’m too exhausted to have the judgment of how I grieve being given to me. And then there my girlfriend goes and does it.
It’s hard enough not to feel psycho on my own with the sometimes astounding sadness that can overcome me. Over a dog. But you know, it was just me and her. She was my family. And I can’t help it – I miss her.
I am feeling more and more ready to love another, although my living situation won’t let it. That’s probably a good thing for now.
The latest revelation though that has gotten me sad is that I can’t remember what she smells like. It bums me out more than I can say.