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Friday was the year anniversary of Gracie’s death. It was good that I’ve been so busy and have had very little time to dwell in it. I have the box of her ashes out and waiting for a permanent spot in the house. Once things get a bit more settled, we’ll figure out the best place for her.
Dear Gracie,
I cannot believe it’s been a year already that you were taken from me. I think about you daily, as the pictures around this place are constant reminders of you, and thankfully most days the thoughts of you are happy ones. I’m still not sure what purpose your death has, what it was supposed to mean. I don’t understand how a healthy dog of 5 dies. Still, I try to be grateful for the time we did have together… but it is hard. I needed you more than ever in my post-heartbreak state, and your absence further ripped at my being.
I wish you could be a part of this new change in my life. There would have been a whole house for you to explore and get into trouble in. There are mountains here with lots of dog-friendly trails; places to bike and run as well. I see other owners with their dogs walking around town – sniffing exciting grass or bushes or poles – and I know you would have loved it. We take drives around the country, one of your favorite places, and check out the cows and fields and streams. I’ve never been here with you but still, I think of you.
I miss your kisses and the smell of your doggie fur. I miss your happy greeting whenever I came home or even came out of the bathroom. I miss the clicking of your nails on the hardwood. I miss your tricks and your bark and the warmth of your body as you layed near me at night. I miss the family that we were.
I know that your death means that one day I’ll rescue another doggie, and this will be a wonderful thing and I think you’ll be proud of me. Until then, it’s still your picture and your ashes and the memories of you. It hurts more than I can say, but I think you already know.
Still missing you and loving you like crazy,
Your Mama
Rainbow Bridge
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill, is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run, when their time on the earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next, is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play, till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness, for here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed, their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care, until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back, then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met; together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past, the time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart, has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever, and then, side by side, they cross over… together.
I wish I had something more substantial to write about, but I really don’t. Such a big life-changing thing is happening to me right now, and that’s mostly all I can think about. My days have been spent packing and moving and saying good-bye and filling out paperwork and having lunches and driving. LOTS of driving.
So, here’s the happenings, so far.
On Thursday:
- I woke up, sick as a dog. (Although dogs don’t really get sick, do they? Not sure where that expression came from). I felt like I did at the beginning of my bronchitis, which made me angry. I just barely got over this bullshit!
- Craters came and crated my glass-top patio table and my television.
- Movers came and packed up all of my things.
- Movers loaded all of my things from my (old) house.
- Movers went to my grandparents house, where the bulk of my things were stored after I sold the house last year, and loaded up the rest of my things.
- I drove to Central PA to have dinner with B’s family.
- We drove separately to our new home in MD, unloaded both of our vehicles which were packed, and then crashed.
On Friday:
- Woke up even more sick than the day before. B too.
- We went to the electric company at 8 am to switch the electric to our names, and also gave them a $340 security deposit. Ouch.
- We signed our lease at 9 am.
- We let the movers in at 10 am and directed them to all areas of the house with our things.
- Ordered pizza for lunch at 12:00, but ordered from Papa John’s because I don’t yet know a good local pizzeria. Ordered for both us and the movers; they are good peeps.
- The movers were tipped and out of the house by 1:30, which was impressive. They had to haul my beautiful king headboard, as well as my big-ass bookcase, over the second floor balcony. That is a job I would never want.
- We made a list of things we would need. This would be more fun if we had more money.
- A different crating company came to uncrate the table and TV.
- We took a nap. I was so achy and exhausted and run-down. Ugh.
- B woke up earlier than me from our nap and began unpacking the kitchen.
- We went to Target and the Dollar Store for some items on our list.
- Took NyQuil and crashed.
On Saturday:
- I got to sleep in late. Yay!
- We both woke up still very sick. Boo.
- We unpacked our kitchen all day long. We had duplicate items, so we chose which to keep. Our kitchen is small so we did some fancy organizing and locating of things. We compromised. We got excited about things each other had and things that had never been used before (hello food processor!). We (but mostly me) washed dishes all. day. long. Literally.
- We took another nap! Again, so tired and run-down and achy. One of the worst times to be sick. Seriously.
- We woke up and finished the kitchen. Troopers, I tell you.
- Took NyQuil and crashed.
On Sunday:
- I slept late again (so very thankful), and B was up early. When I came downstairs she was drinking coffee in our new colorful mugs, reading the paper that our neighbor/awesome landlady left for us on the railing. How cute, right?
- We both woke up sick. Shit is getting OLD.
- We put away a remaining box of food and cleared out the dining room, which was cluttered with all little stuff we didn’t know what to do with the day before.
- Went upstairs and started working on the master bedroom while B worked on unpacking her clothes, which will mostly be in the second bedroom since the MB closet is super small.
- Got nowhere. Packed my overnight bag for the next two days.
- Laid down with B and whined about how much I didn’t feel good and didn’t want to drive to NJ.
- Drove to NJ.
- Had dinner with my parents and three youngest brothers. Endured almost 3 hours of that chaos.
- Went over good friend’s house to watch last week’s Glee and get loved on by the kids.
- Slept over there but didn’t sleep good because I had NO NYQUIL!
On Monday (today!):
- Still sick. Hateful!!
- Had my exit interview. Was very honest about the reason I even began looking for a new job and feel a little bit more satisfied that maybe something will be done about it. I’m hoping, for my co-worker’s sake.
- Co-workers took me out to lunch.
- Procrastinating on work I need to get done by writing this blog.
- Will pick up our new kayak tonight that has been on back-order.
- Will spend the night with my bestie and my nephew and soak it all up.
- Will definitely take NyQuil before bed.
On Tuesday:
- I better not wake up sick.
- Last day of work.
- In Maryland for good Tuesday night.
- Probably should start calling it “home” instead of Maryland.
Randoms:
- I LOVE LOVE LOVE our new house. Any fears or trepidations I had about it are gone.
- I will have to post pictures soon. I’m really proud of it. It was such a good find.
- I don’t regret selling a lot of furniture last year when we sold the house, but man, what a pain in the ass now. We need, in terms of “bigger” furniture:
- Butcher block / island / cart thing for the kitchen. Currently our food doesn’t really have a good place to go.
- Piece of furniture in the living room to put our DVD’s in, our cable box on, DVD player, that sort of thing. The TV will be hung above the fireplace but still need a place for these things to go. Also, it’s a pretty big room and we have like two pieces of furniture in there so it’ll also be a good space filler.
- TV stand for the bedroom, as we’re not allowed to hang it on the wall in there.
- Bookshelves (more). We are both book whores and I love it.
- Basement shelves for B’s “stuff.”
- B has to work all week (in PA) so I’ll be at the house my self. This means I’ll be putting up two closet poles on my own. Measuring things, keeping them even, and drilling holes is NOT my specialty, but I’m going to have faith in myself. I can do it!!!
- I’m nervous about my new job.
- My parents and three brothers are coming over on Saturday (and actually staying overnight, which is surprising) to help out and visit. I love that they are excited for me.
- I still can’t believe this is happening!!!!
Brother: I’m going to miss you when you move. How much will we get to see you?
Me: I don’t know, but I’ll see you enough, don’t worry.
Brother: Will you get new friends when you move? What about a new accent?
Me (laughing) : Of course I’ll make new friends… but a new accent? Nah… can’t get rid of this Philly/Jersey voice even if I wanted to.
Brother: So you’ll still sound like you?
Me: Totally.
So yea, what this guy said:
I’ve had a lot of great things happening to me lately (finally! holla!) but when I heard about Tyler Clementi’s suicide on Thursday, I didn’t feel so great anymore. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind and my heart. Really, what can I do to help somebody? Because these kids – these kids are not alone out here and I want them to know that. So many of us get it, and we love them, and death just is not the solution.
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about a gay teen’s suicide, obviously, but for whatever reason this one is really clicking with me. Enough is enough. I went to Rutgers and I live in New Jersey and I feel a bit shocked by it. Sure, conservatives and homophobia and assholes are everywhere, but it just doesn’t feel like it should come from this community. I thought we were more progressive than this. But, here it is too.
I understand the desperation and the feelings of loneliness and isolation. God, do I. But really, it DOES get better. I love the campaign that’s going on right now and hopefully I can make a video myself.
I love being gay and I love this life. But I didn’t always feel this way… and sometimes I forget that. So I emailed two Maryland organizations to see if I could volunteer with gay youth because I feel like I have to do something. Maybe I can reach at least one person… one person, you know?
The Others Have Spoken