What a rough couple of days for me on the memory scale. Two years ago today, my life took a drastic turn, which I wrote about on my old blog, which you can find here, at the 6 month mark post. The reason for even starting this blog, and especially the inspiration for the name of this space. I went back to the beginning of this blog to read a little bit, the day-to-day ramblings of someone trying to just wake up and get out of bed. The little minute details that was all consuming. It is heart-breaking, going back and reading. The pain is so obvious, so raw. I’m so grateful that I began writing so soon after, and that I have a place where I can look back and remember. There is nothing quite like immediate grief like that.
It is obvious amongst all definitions that the dissolution of my partnership was life-changing for me. In all the general ways that heartbreak is, but then in other ways of which you cannot see until months and years later; that the moment in time that changed you veered you down a different road which you are only now beginning to see, to experience, to understand. I am sitting here, in another state, with a new job and a new partner and a new layer onto my existing life because of that moment two years ago. Yes, I made choices and decisions that brought me here, but I could not have done that without a prerequisite: that I was alone and single. It is that simple. And so when B gets angry and gives me her rant about how much she hates EJ and how fucked up the way she treated me was, and expresses frustration at my willingness to be kind and generous to her, I simply reply that, although I do understand, it was necessary for her to do what she did in order to get me here. To this moment, right now. I don’t condone her treatment of me and at this point in my life I don’t have a desire to be friends. I’d be lying if I said I truly understood the reasoning behind it all, and because of that the forgiveness process is difficult. Sometimes I still miss her, the her that she was before, and that life that existed for us so long ago. Because it was a good life, and that I cannot deny. But more than anything else I love where I’m at right now, and life is generally great. That is more than I could have ever hoped for myself just two short years ago. I am so glad that I set out to overcome my deepest fears and my shattered heart. So glad that I had a wonderful support system to do so. So glad for all of the choices and people that have lead me here. Even this space, where anyone and everyone can read the innermost workings of my heart, a certainly seemingly unlikely place to find comfort and strength, has been a blessing. Life is funny that way.
It is so amazing to just be aware of the process of my evolution. I savor it. It isn’t always easy, but at least I know there’s no getting around it. I’m proud of myself. I am strong. I am so strong to have gotten through the worst of this, to continue to work on the bumps that pop up along the way. I am beautiful, smart, funny, kind, generous, hard-working, and loving, and no partner can ever take that from me. It is empowering to know that at the end of the day, no matter what, I can do it. I have done it. And that? That is divine.
Here’s to always being consciously aware of my evolution, my self-worth, and my strength. I can’t wait to see what else this journey has in store for me.
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. – Maria Robinson