You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘b’ category.
Back in March, B asked me what I wanted to do for my upcoming 30th birthday. We talked through some options, and when she offered to rent a house at the beach where I could invite some friends, it was pretty much a no-brainer. I found an awesome house for rent in Chincoteague, VA (hello, wild ponies anyone?) and friends were selected and rent was paid and all that was left to do was wait.
A little over two weeks ago, we set out on our first full week’s vacation away in almost two years. The house was beautiful, large, and right on the bay (with our own dock and hammock). It was the perfect setting for an actual relaxing vacation The day after we arrived was my birthday, and it was a simple and perfect day. B made my requested breakfast of french toast and bacon (don’t judge, it was my birthday!), and off we went to explore the island with my friend L. We picked up some bunker (crab bait) on the way home before having some sandwiches for lunch, then headed out to the dock to set up the crab traps. I taught L how to crab, as she never had before, complete with cutting and tying the dead bunker. B spent most of her time in the house reading while the two of us were crabbing, alternating laying in the hammock, drinking beer and chatting. It was perfection. Around dinnertime we cleaned up and headed in with our day’s catch. We caught 78 crabs (SERIOUSLY) and 10 of them were keepers. My other friend, LH, arrived, and we all got showers and headed out for a seafood dinner to round out the day. It was spent exactly how I had hoped, without any big party or flashiness, but with so much that I loved.
The whole week was my favorite, really. Every day I had wine or cocktails or beer, even if it was 11 in the morning. I read books. I went to the beach. I saw a lot of nature – wild ponies, all kinds of birds, dolphins, and even a bald eagle. We rented scooters for a day and went mini-golfing one night. We went out for ice cream 5 nights of our trip. I spent an hour in the little local bookstore, leaving with many new finds. I saw the sun set almost every night on the bay. I walked the beach in the black of night, lit only by the moon. I spent quality time with a few good friends, and of course, my girl. I slept in. I recharged. It was all so needed. It was my first time ever visiting Chincoteague, and I fell in love with the island. It was so very laid back and chill – not a lot of hustle and bustle – but still, everything I loved about a beach town.
This vacation re-solidified my need for being (and eventually, living) at the edge of the land, where I can smell the bay breezes and hear the seagulls call out. It’s in my blood. And makes me very happy, as you know.
Life continues to keep me equally busy and entertained. Complaining about anything would be whiney and ungrateful of me, and fluffing things up under a veil of semi-perfection would be oversimplifying and not quite true. For the most part, things are good. I have an itch to write, yet time is hard to come by. (As evidenced by the fact that it’s already the second week of July!)
I was very adamant that I didn’t want a relationship; I was too broken, too hurt, too devastated. I was more worried about getting through each day successfully without breaking down – I certainly did not want the burden or responsibility of another soul when I couldn’t even take care of my own. I would take sex, though, and so that was what we agreed upon, was how we began our journey.
Three years later, here we are.
Big step after big step after big step has brought us to this very day. The amount of trust and growth and love and understanding we’ve needed to get here has been tremendous. I could not have imagined this, could not have dreamt this up, sitting across from you in that restaurant, barely touching my food.
There are so many things that I love about you. The way you come up behind me when I least expect it and put your arms around me, nuzzling your face in my neck. The way your brow creases when you worry. The sound of your laughter. The way you wake me up on the weekends. Your dreams. The sound of your boots on the hardwood when you come in through the back door. Your patience with roller derby. Your heart. Your love of gardening. When you tell me stories about your past and your childhood. Your thoughtfulness. When you let me see you cry. The way you hold my hand when we’re out. Your intimacy with me. So much. There is so much more.
I look forward to many more years. This is grown into something so blissfully unexpected; I. Am. Grateful.
There has been a shift in our home over the last few weeks, a small but strong current that is changing the way we move forward, and this has mostly everything to do with B’s new job and the schedule that it brings. We’ve had to learn how to conduct our relationship differently, communicate differently, schedule time together differently. It’s one of those things that you think about before it happens – you know its coming – yet you just can’t fully understand what it will be like until you’re living it.
I’m actually grateful of her schedule, especially since she’s a new driver. She drives regionally which means she’s gone one to two nights at a time, then back home. This is actually better for us than a daily shift, where her days would be extremely long and we wouldn’t see each other anyway and she wouldn’t get paid as much because her mileage is shorter. It’s also better than over-the-road driving, which would put her gone for a week or more at a time. With this schedule we still don’t see each other much during the week, even though she’s slept in our bed twice since Monday. For example: she was gone early Monday and didn’t get home until 10:30pm on Tuesday. I was at practice and didn’t get home until 11:45pm and she was already sleeping. I left before her on Wednesday morning and she had about a 10 hour total drive on Wednesday, so she didn’t get home until 12:10 am on Thursday morning / Wednesday night. I left for work Thursday morning while she was still sleeping, and then she’ll leave for an overnight trip and get home around 10pm on Friday. So I try to be grateful that I even get to feel her body at all. Trying to maintain this positive frame of mind whenever I’m feeling sad or overwhelmed really curbs any negativity that starts to creep in.
Overall, I’m surprised at the amount of work that has to be done around the house that really falls to me during the week. It just didn’t seem that much when there was two of us, but now I’m super aware of all of the tasks I complete in a day’s time.
There’s the daily chores: Oh, dinner has to be cooked. And before that the dishes from last night have to be put away. And I’m left with the cleanup of the dinner dishes, even though I’m the one that cooked. And the cats have to be fed and the litter box cleaned, both twice a day. The floor needs to be vacuumed. Sort through the mail and shred or put aside for later or pay a bill. Pack lunch for the next day.
Then there’s the every-so-often chores or things that need to be done: Take the trash out. Take the recyclables out. Bring trash and recyclable cans back in. Pick xyz up from the store. Clean up the cat’s hairballs. Wash clothes. Return this to the store. Get gas. Fix this. Take the air conditioners out of the windows. Take the air conditioners to the attic. Wash the bed sheets. Decorate. Call the repair guy. Go to derby practice. Start searching for and purchase the chest for B’s clothes so that she can finally have her shit in the master bedroom. Clean the bathroom. Put plastic over the windows for the looming, freezing winter season. Wash the sheets. Buy birthday card. Make birthday present. After you mess it up, make it again. File your paperwork. Put away things that have been lying around. Check your email. Wash your stinky derby pads. Purchase the rugs for the hallway that you’ve been putting off for the last year. Dust the ceiling fans. For God’s sake, dust the ceiling fans!
And this is just scratching the surface. It doesn’t even include the other things of the day that take up time (getting a shower, getting dressed, commuting to work, working, commuting home from work, and eating). All of these things take up too much time!!!!! I’m grateful that there are no kids in the house yet, as it’s hard enough trying to just get shit done on my own.
It’s an interesting adventure, this new phase of life. I’m trying to maintain a positive, grateful attitude about everything concerning it, even though I can see how it can get tiring real fast : ) It’s awesome that B has a job, and a good one at that! She loves the company she works for; they really seem to treat their employees right. I get to have a good amount of “me” time, which usually consists of derby, working on my photography, reading, or watching a show I DVR’d, almost all of which B has no desire in watching, so that works out nicely. And being a part also makes us appreciate the time we do have together. So really, it could be worse. It’s all about perspective.
I’m proud of her
A few weeks ago we went to a concert, and because we were part of the fan club and had pit tickets, were the first group admitted into the venue. There was probably around 30 people in front of us in line. As soon as we entered the venue, B headed for the bathroom, so she could avoid any instances of having to stand in a long line with a bunch of women who think she’s a guy. You know, typical butch considerations.
I had gone ahead to the pit to secure our spot. When she came back, she was furious. Basically, when she came out of the stall, there were two women who had come in, saw her, and one of the girls SCREAMED. She yells, “OMG, THERE’S A GUY IN THE GIRL’S BATHROOM.”
B (non confrontational that she is) quietly told them that she wasn’t in the wrong bathroom. They realized they were wrong, and out she went. They were extremely obnoxious. Of course.
Then two weekends ago we were in D.C. for pride and in a restaurant near our hotel, when B went to go to the bathroom. She had a whole table try to tell her she was walking into the wrong bathroom.
Are people really that dumb? Do they really think people can’t read the sign on the door they are walking into? I mean, really. God-forbid someone doesn’t look like a societal norm, people don’t know how to act. They can’t even let something bigger come into their small brains – like, oh wow, things aren’t always the way I’m conditioned to believe them to be.
Normally it doesn’t bother me, as I’m used to it. But lately, it’s irking my nerves. Unisex bathrooms should be mandatory in all public places. The end.
BP has kind of taken over our lives these last 6 weeks, but we did manage to have a nice two year anniversary a few weeks ago. Two years. Can you believe it? The night ended with B making one of her specialities – bruschetta chicken. Yum. We ate outback, listening to the birds and admiring B’s hard work in the yard. We talked about where we were two years ago, reflected on our journey here, and talked about hopes for the future.
I feel lucky. Blessed.
Thanks for an amazing two years baby.
This is the second time I’m making house with a butch partner. When we sat down to discuss what we both wanted out of a place, B had a few specific requirements:
- A garage. If a garage isn’t possible, a shed. If a shed isn’t possible, then at least a basement. She wants this for all of her landscape equipment, tools, storage for fun toys, and other things I probably don’t the names of. I agree we need one of these, but only because we need a place to put two kayaks and two bikes and maybe the Christmas decorations. B says no decorations allowed, and that I should probably not try to claim any part of this space at all. I told her I might need at least the corner(!!), but I don’t think I’m going to be successful in gaining territory of this part of the house.
- Closet space for clothes. We both have a lot of them.
- A decent sized, functional kitchen. She is the chef and has certain desires when it comes to her cooking space.
Interesting enough, my ex (EJ) also had the same requirements, although a bit more extensive since we purchased a house together, not just rented. But still, these were her top 3 big items.
I think I’m drawn, perhaps, to a butch with certain qualities. Handy, landscapy, hot in all kinds of clothes, and an excellent cook. Yes, I’ll have me one of those, pleaseandthankyou : )
I love how our differences really shine when looking at places to live. What’s important to her is often different than what’s important to me, or just not as important.
- She doesn’t want a big yard because she doesn’t want to have to take care of a big yard. I, however, would love a big yard, but I don’t necessarily feel like I would love to take care of it : ) Besides, she’s just so much better and efficient at it than I am. Seems silly.
- She wants a space for her tools and work equipment, a place easily accessible to the outdoors. I want an extra bedroom so I can have an office/library/craft room/all-things-Jen space.
- She wants a safe place for her two vehicles, preferably in a garage or a designated space where she can keep an eye on them and love them. As long as I can park on the same street, I’m ok.
- She wants a nice outdoor space – a place where we can put a table so we can eat outside and entertain out there. That would be nice, for sure, but I’m not married to that. My priority is a cozy place in the house where I can write uninterrupted with my chai or zone out with a good book.
The great thing is that we’re doing our best to find a place that we both will love, a place that can accommodate all our wants and needs. It’ll be interesting to see what will happen when we begin to decorate the place. (Country/Antique vs. Modern City. Hmm. Looks like a little meshing will be taking place!).
I can’t believe that I’ll be in my own place in a few weeks. In a new city. Living with my gf for the first time.
We were leaving the amusement park for lunch, which we packed in a cooler and was waiting for us in the car. On the way out, B had to use the bathroom. “Ok, I’ll wait for you right here?” I asked, pointing to a bench. “Do you mind coming with me?” she responded, and I automatically understood and agreed. After we were finished I asked her about it so I could gauge her feelings –I wanted to make sure she wasn’t feeling like people were being hostile towards her throughout the day, or something similar, and that that was provoking her wanting me to accompany her to the bathroom. “No,” she said, “having you there just makes me feel a bit more comfortable.”
I was happy to help. And happy that she’s honest enough and comfortable enough with me to trust me with this.
For the past 8 years I have proudly walked along side my butch partner(s). I have held her hand in the car, during a stroll down the street, through the park, or at the beach. I have placed my hand on her knee when we’re out to eat, when we’re riding the subway, or when we’re signing mortgage papers. I have let her do things for me even though I can very well do them myself: open the door, carry all of my bags, drive the car, help me out of the jeep, tend to me when I’m sick, kill bugs, or pull out my chair. I have always tried to make her feel appreciated and wanted and loved for who she is. I am proud of being with her and being on her arm and our relationship is something I like to show off, not hide.
I have felt protective of this vulnerable, yet strong creature that I have grown to love so much, to the point of confrontation. I used to be quite hot-headed when it came to people acting negatively to my butch lover, but I’d say that age and time has calmed me down. My ex rarely, if ever, got upset; even though it was her they were doing or saying things towards, and that really helped shaped me. She taught me to mostly ignore the ignorant people because really, they aren’t worth it.
Still, though, when I’m in the bathroom with my butch I’m prepared. I make her wait ahead of me in line so that she can get in and get out as quickly as possible. Mostly, when people mistake her for a guy, they are polite about it, if not more embarrassed than anything. But I’ll never let my guard down completely and this femme will always be ready to defend – my butch lovers, friends, and partners. I’m sure I’m not alone in this, right?
It has been quite a learning experience, this dance between genders. I am constantly growing and learning and evolving. I am grateful for a lifetime of this.
I love loving butch women.
Thank you all for going into the public bathrooms, the ones with the stick figure in a dress on the door, the ones that don’t quite fit. Thank you for being brave and strong enough and putting up with people’s shit when you have the energy for it, which I understand isn’t always. Thank you for walking down the street looking the way you look, which sometimes is defiance enough. Thank you for being strong enough to be you, but soft enough to let me hold you. I am so happy for your existence.
I am having severe anxiety about grad school, for lots of reasons. I’ve discussed these with B and a few good friends of mine but I’m not interested in divulging into them through written word – I’ve already thought about it enough and I’m trying to actually stop thinking about it.
When I wrote this letter to B one of the things I was referencing was my possible admission to grad school. Now that it’s happened I’m doing the best I can to squeeze in as much fun stuff as possible before the commotion. My last hurrah, until Christmas at least, if you will.
So I went and did something crazy and took a whole week off, the last weekend in August. I had already taken two days for our long weekend in Mehoopany and I thought, you know what, fuck it, let me just take off for all of it. Who cares that by doing so I’d be depleting my vacation time down to about two days or that we really DO NOT have the money to be going anywhere. Who cares, right? If I don’t go now I won’t be able to get a whole week’s worth of veg out time until Christmas and you know how that time of year can go. And also, hopefully B has an official job soon, so she’s not going to be able to take any vacation for a while. So yea, let’s do this.
We’re still going to go to Mehoopany and the cabin for the first part of the week. There will be some kayaking and hiking and some nature time, but also a lot of sex and alone time. It’s the best part about being up there – the seclusion makes you so very much aware of eachother. No distractions.
Then the plan is to head up to a New England state and camp our little hearts out, in a cheap state park of some kind. We don’t know exactly where yet, which we should work on solving asap, I realize. I’ve been dying to take B to Bar Harbor (obviously I love it there, as seen here) but she’s not so thrilled about the drive there – 10 hours. I admit it IS super long, but hello – so worth it. She suggested Vermont or New Hampshire which I know would also be amazing. Either way, we’re going to be all up in nature’s business. And best part? The cost will be minimal. State parks are super cheap – $20 a night at most – and we’ll be cooking almost the whole week. So as long as gas prices don’t jump to $4/gallon we should be having the cheapest vacation evah.
During this trip I’m pledging to be technology-free. Part of this came from this insightful article that B sent me, Outdoors and Out of Reach. The other part is that I really just want to spend time in the present and not worry about who is doing what on facebook or whose ass I’m kicking in my Words with Friends game. And besides, I’ll have enough time on my phone and email and computer when I get back between work and play and photography and school that a break is just the very best thing. I’m actually kind of nervous about it because I’m sure I’m more addicted than I realize but I’ll obviously be fine and probably love the shit out of it.
Make voyages! Attempt them…there’s nothing else. – Tennessee Williams
In a few weeks our lives could drastically change or very much stay the same, depending on a few people’s decisions. It is difficult to wait, and I’ll be glad when it’s over, but either way we’ll get through it. I feel like this is our first big thing as a couple – whether the outcome is as we want it to be or totally not want we want, it brings me comfort to know we have each other’s support and love throughout this.
If decisions are made in our favor, the month of August is going to be the calm before the storm. I want us to make the most out of every single moment when possible. I want us to go away every weekend if we want, to stay up until 2 am making love even though it may not be reasonable, to spend full days doing nothing more than reading, relaxing, cooking, and sexing. I want us to feel the sand between our toes, to see the stars against the black country sky, to hear our paddles touching the water, to watch the ground fly quickly by on a doorless Sunday drive. I want to take a spontaneous road trip and end up somewhere where you feed me wine and cheese in an average hotel room (or even a tent since it’s not freezing out!). I want to lie in bed until noon and be our version of “unproductive.” I want to taste the last bit of summer as we swim and grill and go boating and eat watermelon and watch the fireflies and go to a baseball game. I want to look into your eyes for an uninterrupted period of time. I want to laugh a lot. I want to be so very in the moment and enjoy every bit because if things do go in our favor – if they do it will be wonderful, but these things won’t be as easy. They won’t be as available as they are right now. Let’s take advantage of it and go crazy before September hits. Yea?
And if decisions are NOT made in our favor – well, it’ll be disappointing but there’s got to be a reason for that and we’ll keep on trying. You’ll continue with your goal and maybe I’ll continue with mine and you know what? We’ll end up right where we were supposed to. We’ll hate it at first and be disappointed in the setback and wonder why it’s still not happening, but there’s a reason. This was the way it was supposed to be. And yea, we’ll have to get right back to work and spend a lot of our time doing things we’d rather not be doing, but we should still take some time out to go a little bit crazy. Maybe only half as crazy as we would if we knew come September we wouldn’t get a break again until Christmas. Yea?
I love you and I love us. It hasn’t always been easy but here we are. We can do anything together. I trust this whole process and wouldn’t trade it for anything. This is what makes us baby. And whichever way we’re going, we’ll know soon enough.
I can’t wait.
All my love,
Edit: If any of you are wondering why we can’t do all those things ANYWAY, even if things don’t work out in our favor: it’s because instead of spending money on trips and such, we’ll be saving it – in a very big way. And we’ll still need to spend a lot of our time continuing on trying to make things happen for B, and unfortunately, it leaves less time for play. It’s just the way it is. So sure, we can do some of it, and we will, but we won’t be able to dedicate the whole month of August to being wreck-less and abandoning our responsibilities