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I’ve been feeling inspired lately. Probably a combination of spring, of being in sappy, happy love, and really learning to feel grateful for all that has come my way. I have a few projects sitting around that I’ve been putting off; we are pretty busy, after all. My photography projects are on hold because my iMac is as slow as molasses, and I can’t figure out why. I have tons of space on there and I quit running more than 3 applications at once. It’s horrible. Hard to be motivated when it takes 15 seconds for the click of your mouse button to perform an action. So, I have all these excuses for putting off the things I love to do… and most of them can be justified.
Until.
I went to the ER on Tuesday night. I had this searing pain behind my right ear, at the base of my skull that had built up over the last few days. That, and an odd taste in my mouth. The ER diagnosed me with fluid behind the ear and the beginning of an ear infection, along with a massive muscle cramp in my neck. Some pain meds, anti-inflammatory, and antibiotics, and they sent me home.
The next day before work, I was driving to pick up my prescriptions and noticed that I really couldn’t move my mouth too well. I thought it was a reaction from one of the meds. Throughout the day at work it got worse – I couldn’t sip through a straw or close my eye very well or taste food that much – but strangely, this was only happening on the right side of my face. The left side was perfectly normal. I went to urgent care after work. I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. They put me on meds and took blood work to test for lymes disease, one cause for BP. I was (and still am, I suppose) devastated. For the majority of people, this is temporary. And I’m trying very hard to be hopeful that it will be for me, too.
The following day I was able to work from home while I got used to being on heavy doses of pain medication. B and I were supposed to leave that afternoon for a long weekend camping trip which I planned for us for our 2nd anniversary which is next week. B didn’t think we should go; she was concerned about my health and about my pain. She wanted me to be comfortable. I didn’t want us to miss out on this weekend. I’m a tough bitch, I can handle this. So I slept in quite late that day, and when I woke up, the paralysis was much worse than the day before. B again tried to get me to stay home but I persisted. So she packed the jeep up and got the food together and I packed my clothes and my medicine. When I walked outside to bring some things to the jeep, I felt dizzy and lightheaded. The second time I walked out there, I felt nauseous and exhausted. Just from a minute’s walk. I broke down to B, upset and dismayed that I couldn’t go. No way could I spend the energy it takes to set up camp feeling like this. I couldn’t do it after all.
By this time, my lymph node was extremely swollen and I have multiple bumps and lumps behind my ear, underneath my jaw bone, and underneath the base of my skull. It was worse than the day before, so I was worried.
The next morning I was up before 8, calling around to ENT (ears, nose, throat) doctors to see if I could get an appointment that day. I was able to get a 12:30 appointment, which meant I immediately went back to sleep and B woke me up about an hour before we had to go. I had a hearing test and then met with an amazing doctor who thankfully, really seemed to know his shit. He confirmed that I do not have an ear infection or fluid behind the ear. He confirmed that my blood work came back and I don’t have lymes disease. He ordered an MRI, which I’ll have done next week, to rule out the possibility of cancer/tumor (which he says is probably not it at all), so that leaves a virus as the only other possible cause. Typically, a form of the herpes virus. This virus attacks your nerves (in this case, my 7th cranial facial nerve and the ones surrounding it), which inflames them. Once they are inflamed and pushing on each other, it stops them from working, hence the paralyzation of half of the face. In the majority of people, this goes away after a few months. The scariest part about this is that the doctors have absolutely no control. There’s really nothing much to do to treat this and make it go away. He put me on two medicines that MAY help, but aren’t really proven to either. So, I’ll have a follow up next week after my MRI with the doctor… hopefully with some good news.
It’s amazing, the amount of simple things we take for granted. Like how to smile. To be able to close your eye at night to go to sleep. To be able to blink on your own and have your own tears coat your cornea. To be able to take a drink and keep it all in your mouth at once. To be able to talk out of both sides of your mouth instead of just one. Amazing the things you learn to appreciate after you no longer have them.
My spirit today is a teeny bit better than it was yesterday. I’m hoping I find a positive attitude about all of this soon. I found myself getting depressed very quickly and easily over these last few days. I’m kind of feeling sorry for myself. I’m frustrated. I want my whole face back. I want to smile a real smile. I want the pain to go away. As the doc said, this is an ordeal that involves a severe amount of pain… no pain medication will get it down to 0%. It’s daunting to imagine this level of pain for weeks and weeks; maybe even months? It’s hard to not have a shitty attitude… like, really? Things were really going quite wonderfully. Why can’t it ever be a continuous stream for a while? Why always the wrenches?
So, to wrap things up to the first paragraph of my thoughts… inspiration. Until this all happened, I was feeling pretty inspired and pretty happy about things. And in a matter of hours, the color seemed to be drained from life. But today I felt a little shift. Found a different perspective. And it is this: things can always be worse. So I laughed a little bit today, even though I was self-conscious about my smile, even though it physically hurts to do so. My very supportive, wonderful girlfriend continues to do all she can to make me smile… even going so far as to say that she thinks my crooked, lopsided smile is just the cutest thing. Even though I’m scared, so very scared, I have to believe this will get better. And life cannot stop. I can choose to be happy, even during such a shitty time. I can choose to still feel inspired. I must not lose my spirit. I fear if I let this get the best of me, then full recovery really might be difficult to achieve.
So enough with putting things off. The chores can wait. No more excuses for the projects, for the things that I enjoy that make me happy. Life is too short, and can literally be changed in an instant.
Please, whatever higher power is out there. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m ready to be healed.
What a rough couple of days for me on the memory scale. Two years ago today, my life took a drastic turn, which I wrote about on my old blog, which you can find here, at the 6 month mark post. The reason for even starting this blog, and especially the inspiration for the name of this space. I went back to the beginning of this blog to read a little bit, the day-to-day ramblings of someone trying to just wake up and get out of bed. The little minute details that was all consuming. It is heart-breaking, going back and reading. The pain is so obvious, so raw. I’m so grateful that I began writing so soon after, and that I have a place where I can look back and remember. There is nothing quite like immediate grief like that.
It is obvious amongst all definitions that the dissolution of my partnership was life-changing for me. In all the general ways that heartbreak is, but then in other ways of which you cannot see until months and years later; that the moment in time that changed you veered you down a different road which you are only now beginning to see, to experience, to understand. I am sitting here, in another state, with a new job and a new partner and a new layer onto my existing life because of that moment two years ago. Yes, I made choices and decisions that brought me here, but I could not have done that without a prerequisite: that I was alone and single. It is that simple. And so when B gets angry and gives me her rant about how much she hates EJ and how fucked up the way she treated me was, and expresses frustration at my willingness to be kind and generous to her, I simply reply that, although I do understand, it was necessary for her to do what she did in order to get me here. To this moment, right now. I don’t condone her treatment of me and at this point in my life I don’t have a desire to be friends. I’d be lying if I said I truly understood the reasoning behind it all, and because of that the forgiveness process is difficult. Sometimes I still miss her, the her that she was before, and that life that existed for us so long ago. Because it was a good life, and that I cannot deny. But more than anything else I love where I’m at right now, and life is generally great. That is more than I could have ever hoped for myself just two short years ago. I am so glad that I set out to overcome my deepest fears and my shattered heart. So glad that I had a wonderful support system to do so. So glad for all of the choices and people that have lead me here. Even this space, where anyone and everyone can read the innermost workings of my heart, a certainly seemingly unlikely place to find comfort and strength, has been a blessing. Life is funny that way.
It is so amazing to just be aware of the process of my evolution. I savor it. It isn’t always easy, but at least I know there’s no getting around it. I’m proud of myself. I am strong. I am so strong to have gotten through the worst of this, to continue to work on the bumps that pop up along the way. I am beautiful, smart, funny, kind, generous, hard-working, and loving, and no partner can ever take that from me. It is empowering to know that at the end of the day, no matter what, I can do it. I have done it. And that? That is divine.
Here’s to always being consciously aware of my evolution, my self-worth, and my strength. I can’t wait to see what else this journey has in store for me.
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. – Maria Robinson
It was a little place in the middle of a town (a small town – the kind you could miss passing through if you blinked too long). When we walked into the bar, a few heads turned to observe us, and I immediately took a quick sweep with my eyes, confirming that yes, it really was lesbian night. The name of the place has the word “Café” in the title, but it’s not a café at all. It was a little run down and tired inside, dimly lit with a neon Budweiser sign hanging on the far wall. To the right against the wall was a bar, all of its seats filled with patrons. To the left of the bar were a few high tables scattered about, and behind them towards the back wall was the pool table. I didn’t notice the cozy sectional couch and table against the front wall until later. It sounds like it would be out of place, but it worked in there.
B’s friend greeted us after a few seconds of us standing there and looking around, and we began heading to one of the tables. That’s when I saw her, leaning over the pool table with a stick in her hand, concentrating on the move she was able to make. Her hair was closely cut – maybe a one on the sides and a two or three on top. She had a plain white t-shirt on with cuffed sleeves, a pair of jeans that ended over a pair of heavy boots. “Damn, she is HOT.” I said to B, motioning my eyes in the direction of the pool table. FINALLY, my type of eye candy, something I could ogle at for once. She was pure butch. Oozing butch. My heart was happy to see it.
My heart was happy to be in the presence of a whole room of lesbians, most of them local to the new town that I moved to 5 and a half months ago. Where have they all been? We have hardly seen much of a lesbian community here at all, hence my surprise and delight at the pool-playing-butch. I was beginning to think B was the only one in town. And even though it turns out pool-playing-butch is a hard-core player and general all around a-hole (so they say), I still won’t let it ruin my delight in the existence of her in this town. Anyway, it turns out the lesbian community is here and thriving, specifically on Wednesday and Friday nights a this café, the lesbian book club, and of course, the gay club that’s 10 minutes outside of town.
I’m looking forward, especially with the coming of beautiful spring weather, to getting to know the local gays. Finding a community, starting over in a new place is no easy task. It took us long enough, but I think we’re off to a good start.
And that’s just one of many things that’s been going right for me lately. I am not a religious person in any sense of the word, and I’m not sure if I’m even spiritual, but I’d still use the word “blessed” to describe how I’m feeling nowadays. It seems to be the adjective that works.
A little over a month ago I got everything that I needed that I was waiting for at my job. This, in and of itself, was truly wonderful news. This happening means that I’m basically now able to work at 100%. So, 5 months after I started, I’m now allowed to do my job completely. It is a huge relief. Not to mention I’m excited to finally be challenged and deeply involved in my career again. My days have been extremely fulfilling. I am grateful.
I’ve also met quite a great group of people throughout the company who I have become good friends with, or as good of friends as one can be when knowing someone for this short of a period. And I’ve signed up for the company softball team, which is basically an excuse to go out for drinks afterwards, so I’m looking forward to getting to know more people outside of work this way too. I’m grateful for the existence of these like-minded, funny, down-to-earth new people in my life.
We have an amazing home here, thank goodness. We both feel so comfortable and, well, at home in this place. And amazingly enough, our 73-year-old landlady, who is also our immediate next-door neighbor (we live in a duplex), is wonderfully fabulous and magnificent. We’ve really made this place our own, and it’s truly like a haven for me. Can’t get much better than that, especially when living far way from my [previous] home.
Which, speaking of my previous home, I’ve luckily gotten to visit quite often. Or people have come out to visit me. Or I’ve gotten to FaceTime or Skype with some of them. This is the advantage of living away, but not too far. I’m loving it.
B is in a trade school right now, something she’s always wanted to do, in an all-women program. She is loving it, and so very happy with everything about it. She’s made some great friends (a few lesbians even!) and really, it’s one of the best things that’s happened to her since we moved here. I’m so happy for her and for this opportunity. I hope it pans out into something she loves and is happy with. So far, so good.
And life with an animal back in the house is a good one. He is sweet when he sleeps, but mostly, he is “attack kitty,” and that’s usually fun, minus the bites and scratches. He is getting big so quick. He rules this house and he knows it.
So life has been going quite nicely, overall. It’s not without it’s difficulties but the good is so very good right now, so I’m not complaining about anything. Not even the $1,000 I spent on getting new tires and brakes and rotors and an alignment, and the $400 I’m spending to get my car transferred and registered in Maryland. I’m not even going to complain!
We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. – Frederick Keonig
Ollie says hello. It's a tough life. Really.
I spent a lot of time in my home office this weekend, continuing to perfect the space. It’s not perfect, but really, it is a little slice of heaven for me.
I love offices and/or libraries in homes. Some people may think it’s a waste of space or outdated, as e-readers replace actual books and laptops can be used in any room. But not me. I already have an idea in my head of what my dream Office/Library room will look like, once I eventually purchase a home again. Built-in bookshelves, a big enough workspace for my iMac and a place to craft, warm colors, a comfortable chair, hardwood floors with a fluffy throw rug, and wall space to hang enough of my pictures to make me feel cozy. Even though I also have a laptop, and a Nook, a space like this is still important to me. It makes me feel inspired and creative. It relaxes me. It represents a place I can go that is my own, without other distractions. It contains almost all of the activities that I love to do: reading, photography, writing, and crafting. It is my equivalent to a man-cave, only better, of course.
In the house that we are renting, we have 3 bedrooms. An extremely large master, a decent sized second bedroom that functions as our guest bedroom, and a third, smaller bedroom in the back of the house. We’ve made this third bedroom into the office, a perfect size space for such a room.
View of the office on move-in day. We took the air conditioner out and moved the wardrobe (which came with the house). The door leads to the balcony.
Another view of the office. The door on the far left leads to the balcony. The door on the right side of the window is the closet.
We live in an old house so there’s a lot of unique characteristics throughout the space. In this third bedroom there is a door that goes outside, opening onto a very generous sized balcony. All of the decks and balconies throughout the house are beautiful – they have been restored expertly with mahogany wood, and are such a pleasure to the eye that you cannot help but feel happy when looking at them (even in the stone-cold winter, when you know you will not be spending anytime on them for months and months). The balcony on the second floor is no different, and thus, I’ve had small fantasies of sitting out there on a spring or summer morning, at a little bistro table that I am not yet in possession of, sipping my tea and reading a book. Or writing. Or daydreaming. Whatever I want. Never mind the unfortunate reality that we live in a city, and therefore our balcony overlooks other people’s unkempt and un-landscaped yards. And then there’s the position of the neighbor’s balcony, which sits almost directly across from ours, except they have a screen hung up to keep the bugs out. Close enough that if I was feeling adventurous, or if there was a house fire, I could leap across mine onto theirs. It really takes the romanticism out of the balcony, if I really think about it. But perhaps there is something creative that can be done so my fantasies of this space can become more of a reality? A spring project, perhaps. The balcony is truly a bonus touch on this cute space.
Standing on one side of the narrow balcony, with the door leading back into the office on the right.
Standing on the other side of the balcony, looking towards the yard. Notice it's shot in portrait so you can't see the neighbors : )
I think I’ve done a great job with the rest of the room, as small of a room as it is. There is a closet door, plus the door that leads to the balcony, plus two windows – that does not leave a lot of wall space. Once the room is completely finished, I’ll post some after-pictures. This weekend was exciting because I got a new desk. I was using this little white IKEA desk where a table slab sat on a set of drawers and was supported on the other end by two poles. The slab was secured onto the set of drawers by Velcro. Not the most secure piece of furniture, holding very expensive equipment. And it was very tiny. So I found an amazing deal on a beautiful desk made of (mostly) wood, so I bought it. B put it together for me, despite the few problems she encountered. And so this weekend I transferred things from the old desk to new, re-organized, printed new pictures for the wall, and labeled. It’s coming along quite wonderfully. And in keeping up with my theme of living in the now, it’s as dreamy as any dream office space could be.
Now, if I could just convince B to move her desk to a new location so we can get a comfy lounge chair in there. Hmmm.
The blog is back to public after a three month stint of being private. I thought maybe I would continue to write during the time I had this thing off-air, but I didn’t really. It was actually a very welcome break. When I had enough time to miss writing, the to-do list kept on rolling, and it wasn’t so bad.
As things start to come together at my new job, my general stress level decreases. I’m not 100% where I need to be in order to feel balanced, feel like I can actually start breathing normal and begin to do my thing, but hopefully that will happen soon. In conjunction with this process, my next hope is that B lands a job that she likes, a job that makes decent enough money so we can get extremely stable. Being the only person working in a household is a stressor that I would like to take off of my list as soon as possible. Once this happens, I’ll be able to let out that long breath I’ve been holding in. These two things getting settled should put me at a much much much lower stress level and much much much higher happiness level. Relief, or dare I say, hope? A small feeling of hope that things are on the right path.
So here’s to a fantastic year. I hope for a year with increased stability and happiness, a year of exploring my new home and finding delights in discovery, of success in my job and health to all of my family and friends. I do not make resolutions at the beginning of the year anymore, not since EJ left and things were left unraveled. If you want to change something, to direct your life to a different path, you do it when it strikes you, when it’s necessary, when it’s possible. And so that’s how I’ve glided into the New Year – full of hope and the possibility of continued evolution.
In the morning, I’m out of the door before the sun is awake. On clear days, as I’m getting on the highway, a slight mixture of pink and blue sit low on the horizon, right above the mountain. When I see this, I know it’ll be a good ride to work. My commute takes me over two mountains, and while they are considered mere hills to the people of the Rockies, they are mountains to me. I am from flat-land covered in trees, so I really wasn’t able to see the morning unfold like this. Driving over the mountains during a sunrise is pure peace in my soul. It never ceases to amaze me once I get to the top and begin to descend down, the pink or orange view of a brand-new day. I like being in an area with different elevations – I am seeing the world in a whole new way. And I suppose this is what life is like when we don’t ask for it; the changes that happen to us, oftentimes unwelcome, give us a new pair of glasses to try on and change our view of, well, anything really.
Life has put me in such a place where I’m really grateful for everything; this appreciativeness is heightened after all of the recent changes in my life, and I know this is a positive thing. It certainly doesn’t mean that everything is always wonderful, or everyone is healthy, or I’m at a place in my life that I really want to be at. No, this isn’t the case. But I’m trying to understand that maybe I’ll never be in the place I’m working towards – how often we make plans for such a life that doesn’t unfold that way. I’m trying to understand that I have a choice to be positive, everyday, because it always can be worse. I try to remember how far I’ve come in rebuilding my life; how far along I am after the disaster that maybe didn’t turn out to be a disaster after all, just a tragedy of the heart that needed to happen to continue my growth. I try to remember how this new opportunity has pushed me forward much quicker and farther in my life than I could have imagined, how it affords me a life that would have taken years to obtain after the ex left. And in recognizing all of this, and being happy right now, right in this very moment, I find pleasures in the smallest of things. Like the sunrise; a set of rolling hills that weave in and out of each other; the feeling of my naked girlfriend pressed up against me at night; a child that loves me calling out my name; the taste of homemade hot chocolate in my belly.
I started volunteering at the local animal shelter. I’m beginning learning how to knit. I’m more deliberate when exploring my photography. We take Sunday drives. We will take hikes in the snow, even when it’s below freezing. I drink wine on random, ordinary days. I’m watching the sunrise. I’m slowing down. I’m living.
I miss writing. I feel like I broke up with my blog. Maybe that’s what we needed, some time apart. I’ve been so very busy over the last two months with this big life change and I haven’t had much time to myself.
I feel very lucky and blessed and grateful. I’m loving my new job, although I’m still waiting for things to go through. The people are great, the environment is great, and the work is creative and full of lots of opportunity. I’m loving our new house – it’s old and historic and beautiful and cozy. We have a wonderful landlady/neighbor, now a new friend. It’s wonderful to live together. We’ve had lots of friends and family visit already. Everything is slowly coming along and together.
I. Feel. Lucky.
So as things go from crazy and hectic from the move and new job, they flow into crazy and hectic from all of the holiday stuff we’re entering into. I love it though. Christmas: my favorite time of the year!
I wish I had something more substantial to write about, but I really don’t. Such a big life-changing thing is happening to me right now, and that’s mostly all I can think about. My days have been spent packing and moving and saying good-bye and filling out paperwork and having lunches and driving. LOTS of driving.
So, here’s the happenings, so far.
On Thursday:
- I woke up, sick as a dog. (Although dogs don’t really get sick, do they? Not sure where that expression came from). I felt like I did at the beginning of my bronchitis, which made me angry. I just barely got over this bullshit!
- Craters came and crated my glass-top patio table and my television.
- Movers came and packed up all of my things.
- Movers loaded all of my things from my (old) house.
- Movers went to my grandparents house, where the bulk of my things were stored after I sold the house last year, and loaded up the rest of my things.
- I drove to Central PA to have dinner with B’s family.
- We drove separately to our new home in MD, unloaded both of our vehicles which were packed, and then crashed.
On Friday:
- Woke up even more sick than the day before. B too.
- We went to the electric company at 8 am to switch the electric to our names, and also gave them a $340 security deposit. Ouch.
- We signed our lease at 9 am.
- We let the movers in at 10 am and directed them to all areas of the house with our things.
- Ordered pizza for lunch at 12:00, but ordered from Papa John’s because I don’t yet know a good local pizzeria. Ordered for both us and the movers; they are good peeps.
- The movers were tipped and out of the house by 1:30, which was impressive. They had to haul my beautiful king headboard, as well as my big-ass bookcase, over the second floor balcony. That is a job I would never want.
- We made a list of things we would need. This would be more fun if we had more money.
- A different crating company came to uncrate the table and TV.
- We took a nap. I was so achy and exhausted and run-down. Ugh.
- B woke up earlier than me from our nap and began unpacking the kitchen.
- We went to Target and the Dollar Store for some items on our list.
- Took NyQuil and crashed.
On Saturday:
- I got to sleep in late. Yay!
- We both woke up still very sick. Boo.
- We unpacked our kitchen all day long. We had duplicate items, so we chose which to keep. Our kitchen is small so we did some fancy organizing and locating of things. We compromised. We got excited about things each other had and things that had never been used before (hello food processor!). We (but mostly me) washed dishes all. day. long. Literally.
- We took another nap! Again, so tired and run-down and achy. One of the worst times to be sick. Seriously.
- We woke up and finished the kitchen. Troopers, I tell you.
- Took NyQuil and crashed.
On Sunday:
- I slept late again (so very thankful), and B was up early. When I came downstairs she was drinking coffee in our new colorful mugs, reading the paper that our neighbor/awesome landlady left for us on the railing. How cute, right?
- We both woke up sick. Shit is getting OLD.
- We put away a remaining box of food and cleared out the dining room, which was cluttered with all little stuff we didn’t know what to do with the day before.
- Went upstairs and started working on the master bedroom while B worked on unpacking her clothes, which will mostly be in the second bedroom since the MB closet is super small.
- Got nowhere. Packed my overnight bag for the next two days.
- Laid down with B and whined about how much I didn’t feel good and didn’t want to drive to NJ.
- Drove to NJ.
- Had dinner with my parents and three youngest brothers. Endured almost 3 hours of that chaos.
- Went over good friend’s house to watch last week’s Glee and get loved on by the kids.
- Slept over there but didn’t sleep good because I had NO NYQUIL!
On Monday (today!):
- Still sick. Hateful!!
- Had my exit interview. Was very honest about the reason I even began looking for a new job and feel a little bit more satisfied that maybe something will be done about it. I’m hoping, for my co-worker’s sake.
- Co-workers took me out to lunch.
- Procrastinating on work I need to get done by writing this blog.
- Will pick up our new kayak tonight that has been on back-order.
- Will spend the night with my bestie and my nephew and soak it all up.
- Will definitely take NyQuil before bed.
On Tuesday:
- I better not wake up sick.
- Last day of work.
- In Maryland for good Tuesday night.
- Probably should start calling it “home” instead of Maryland.
Randoms:
- I LOVE LOVE LOVE our new house. Any fears or trepidations I had about it are gone.
- I will have to post pictures soon. I’m really proud of it. It was such a good find.
- I don’t regret selling a lot of furniture last year when we sold the house, but man, what a pain in the ass now. We need, in terms of “bigger” furniture:
- Butcher block / island / cart thing for the kitchen. Currently our food doesn’t really have a good place to go.
- Piece of furniture in the living room to put our DVD’s in, our cable box on, DVD player, that sort of thing. The TV will be hung above the fireplace but still need a place for these things to go. Also, it’s a pretty big room and we have like two pieces of furniture in there so it’ll also be a good space filler.
- TV stand for the bedroom, as we’re not allowed to hang it on the wall in there.
- Bookshelves (more). We are both book whores and I love it.
- Basement shelves for B’s “stuff.”
- B has to work all week (in PA) so I’ll be at the house my self. This means I’ll be putting up two closet poles on my own. Measuring things, keeping them even, and drilling holes is NOT my specialty, but I’m going to have faith in myself. I can do it!!!
- I’m nervous about my new job.
- My parents and three brothers are coming over on Saturday (and actually staying overnight, which is surprising) to help out and visit. I love that they are excited for me.
- I still can’t believe this is happening!!!!
Brother: I’m going to miss you when you move. How much will we get to see you?
Me: I don’t know, but I’ll see you enough, don’t worry.
Brother: Will you get new friends when you move? What about a new accent?
Me (laughing) : Of course I’ll make new friends… but a new accent? Nah… can’t get rid of this Philly/Jersey voice even if I wanted to.
Brother: So you’ll still sound like you?
Me: Totally.
So yea, what this guy said:
- I officially have a new job! Everything is good to go and the offer letter is signed and I’m all set to start in three weeks-ish.
- I got a call this morning that we got the house that we put the application in for, so we should be getting the lease emailed to us today. We’ll move in two weeks, on 10/8.
This has all happened so fast and it’s very difficult to wrap my head around. During this time that I’m moving forward I keep thinking about my past. And remembering.
I’m remembering that a year ago I was in the process of selling my home, the home I was in for five years, the home that I built my life in with EJ. I’m trying to take myself back to that time, to that me that existed a year ago. I’m trying to remember the feelings of happiness and excitement; of pain and loss. The house was our last big thing together, and it was almost 100% of the reason we ever had to talk. And I hated that we had to talk, had to fight, had to have any kind of contact with each other. And the selling of the house would stop this. It would end the contact and allow me to be AWAY from her so I could continue to heal, and heal properly. I remember being happy about that. In the same breath, I remember being sad about that too – sad to the depths of my soul.
I went back and read my journal/blog entries from that time and I was struck by some things I wrote. My heart aches for my 27-year old self, my self a year ago. I wrote, “This is the beginning of the end of my closure. I hope.” Oh Jen. It’s a start, I want to go back and tell her. It’s a start for sure, but these things take time and although time helps, it’s not a guarantee of closure. There is no quick fix.
Or how about this?: “I’m going to miss my home. I hope whatever the future holds makes me look back at this and understand why it all had to happen. But for now, my heart just hurts.” Wouldn’t it have been wonderful to know back then that the future was closer than I imagined?
And then I’m remembering that on Saturday, on September 25, 2010, EJ and I were supposed to get married. Get married! We had places booked and catering booked and a photographer and videographer all set. It is very strange to know that one of life’s big moments was going to happen – that we were looking forward to that day throughout all of our time together. And now that is not my life. Not our life. EJ is getting married herself two weekends from now – just two weeks after she was supposed to get married to me, she’s marrying another woman. Weird and strange. And I’m moving in with my girlfriend in another state. And this Saturday night I’m going to my 10 year high school reunion instead of getting married. That is our life now. Separate. Not connected.
And so I think about the past a little bit before I move on. I think about it because it’s the molecules that helped make my life today. I think about it because it’s necessary for my healing and my recovery and for my evolution.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us” ~ Joseph Campbell
The Others Have Spoken