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I feel like such a cat lady. I miss my doggies, but these cats are pretty awesome. I’m becoming one of those people who tells cat stories at work. Gahh! Make it stop. My cat infatuation might be infiltrating this blog too, as evidenced by this post. I’ll try to keep the cat-talk to a minimum.
Some cat thoughts:
1. Why, when shitting in the liter box, is the shit smashed into the very bottom and/or sides of the box? Why can’t it just be in the actual liter? That’s so much easier to clean. I’m scraping shit off the bottom of that box in at least two corners, daily. I clean twice a day, and can usually find this shitting tactic in both the morning and evening. Am I the only one? Also, I was trying to hit some kind of record of using the word “shit” in that sentence a whole bunch of times.
2. Why does the canister of air / cleaning duster scare them more than when they get squirted by the water bottle? The water is much cheaper than that canned air. They probably know this and it’s all just apart of their scheme. You know the one.
3. Why do cats sit on your lap purring, being petted by you, in their glory, and then turn on you in 10 seconds? They get dilated eyes and they growl and they ATTACK for no reason! I call this the demonic cat possession. I do not yet know how to perform exorcisms.
4. Why do they insist on cleaning each other when they are on your lap or sitting on the couch above your head? They get so intimate and loud with each other that I feel like I’m invading their privacy. Get a room.
5. Lastly, why do my cats act like dogs? Legitimately, I think they are really dogs. There is 1500 sq ft of living space in this house, and those furballs are up my ass every waking second. (We enacted a “no cat in the bedroom” policy about 6 months ago, and although I do feel sorry for them sometimes, because of their VERY LOUD meowing and crying outside of the door, I love this policy. Does this make me a bad lesbian?)
I just want to say that I love the fact that my first post of the new year is about the cats. What a lesbian!
Happy New Year!!!
Rocky Gap State Park, Maryland
Fall is my favorite time of year, without a doubt. It is filled with things I love: crisp weather, pumpkin-flavored anything, warm drinks, sweatshirts, knitted hats, fires, corn mazes, pick-your-own apples and pumpkins, brilliant colors against vibrant blue skies, and those last ditch efforts of outside activity to enjoy the last bits of nice weather.
B, her sister, and her nephews at a pumpkin patch / corn maze extravaganza
October is also a bit sad for me, as I torture myself with the remembrance of Gracie’s death, and try so very hard instead to remember her life. I wrote as much as I could in the past about Gracie’s death, but I could only bring myself to read this one right now. Gracie’s ashes, collar, and one of my favorite pictures of her sits in china cabinet in my dining room. This cabinet, and the buffet that goes along with it that is also in my dining room, belongs to my great-great grandmom, so it was built in the late 1800’s. This may seem far off but her daughter, my great-grandmom, is still alive, so I feel very close to these wooden pieces of furniture. I can picture the life that lived around them, and I spent many hours in the home that they lived in. I like having Gracie’s ashes there. They are not in my face daily, but I know they are there. It just all feels so very right.
My nephew SG (my best friend's son) at the pumpkin patch
B graduated school around the middle of August, then applied for a job at her top choice company a week later, and then a few days later began the interview process, which was long. She was hired (hooray!) and by the 12th of September she started her training – which (un)fortunately for her, was mostly trips to D.C. and Baltimore – hellish for a truck driver, obviously, but great training nonetheless. Practicing in places like that means she should be able to handle almost anything. The most negative part of her training is that because there are only male trainers, she wasn’t allowed to do any overnight trips (company policy), and her job will be mostly all overnight trips. So, she wasn’t happy about that, but there’s not much she could do. Last week they released her from training with confidence, and she went on her first overnight trip AND her first run by herself to INDIANA. Which really seems so far away. The country pretty much falls off the map for me after Ohio, and starts back up again around Utah, so I had to get online to see where Indiana sits in relation to Maryland. What? I’m not embarrassed to admit it! We all know the east coast is the best coast so that’s all I try to worry my head with : ) Anyway, it was a straightforward run and she did great and all is well. She has more runs out that way this week. I’m excited for her and proud of her. She’s awesome.
I could never drive one of these things, but I sure do look cute in 'em!
Roller derby has been occupying most of my free time. It’s been quite a labor of love. It is some of the hardest exercise and skill building I’ve ever had to do. Learning how to do things on skates that I haven’t even done off-skates has been quite challenging. But I show up, every practice, and work. It’s been three months and me and another fresh meat skater are scheduled to take our minimum skills test on Thursday the 27th. I am so nervous about it that I feel nauseous, DAILY. No kidding. I know I’ll be fine… really, I will. They wouldn’t have scheduled us to take it if they weren’t confident in us, and I know that. Still, it doesn’t make it any less nerve-wracking. I’ve also settled on a derby name, which is quite a big deal, especially considering there’s a roster of over 10,000 names and you can’t take another skaters name or have a similar name. I won’t announce my name until things are official (I pass my test and get it registered with no problems) 
Some of my teammates and I at an all-girl's after school program <3 Here I'm demonstrating single knee falls
So, have you noticed the “Gracie Mac Photography” watermarks on the pics? I changed my photography website from Studio 24 Photography to Gracie Mac Photography. I wanted a change, and as you know, Gracie Mac is a more personal name for me. You can check out the new look on my website, www.graciemacphotography.com
On a wagon ride. Somebody's tired.
Today would have been Gracie’s 7th birthday. I’m remembering her today. I went over to the cabinet where she now sits – her ashes, her collar, and a picture in a cute doggy frame with her happy, smiling face in it – and I just stared, thinking about the irony of it all. I think about what it would be like to have her here with me, alive and dancing and warm.
I’m so sad that she’s gone, but I’m happy for ever having her here. Happy Birthday girl.
It was a little place in the middle of a town (a small town – the kind you could miss passing through if you blinked too long). When we walked into the bar, a few heads turned to observe us, and I immediately took a quick sweep with my eyes, confirming that yes, it really was lesbian night. The name of the place has the word “Café” in the title, but it’s not a café at all. It was a little run down and tired inside, dimly lit with a neon Budweiser sign hanging on the far wall. To the right against the wall was a bar, all of its seats filled with patrons. To the left of the bar were a few high tables scattered about, and behind them towards the back wall was the pool table. I didn’t notice the cozy sectional couch and table against the front wall until later. It sounds like it would be out of place, but it worked in there.
B’s friend greeted us after a few seconds of us standing there and looking around, and we began heading to one of the tables. That’s when I saw her, leaning over the pool table with a stick in her hand, concentrating on the move she was able to make. Her hair was closely cut – maybe a one on the sides and a two or three on top. She had a plain white t-shirt on with cuffed sleeves, a pair of jeans that ended over a pair of heavy boots. “Damn, she is HOT.” I said to B, motioning my eyes in the direction of the pool table. FINALLY, my type of eye candy, something I could ogle at for once. She was pure butch. Oozing butch. My heart was happy to see it.
My heart was happy to be in the presence of a whole room of lesbians, most of them local to the new town that I moved to 5 and a half months ago. Where have they all been? We have hardly seen much of a lesbian community here at all, hence my surprise and delight at the pool-playing-butch. I was beginning to think B was the only one in town. And even though it turns out pool-playing-butch is a hard-core player and general all around a-hole (so they say), I still won’t let it ruin my delight in the existence of her in this town. Anyway, it turns out the lesbian community is here and thriving, specifically on Wednesday and Friday nights a this café, the lesbian book club, and of course, the gay club that’s 10 minutes outside of town.
I’m looking forward, especially with the coming of beautiful spring weather, to getting to know the local gays. Finding a community, starting over in a new place is no easy task. It took us long enough, but I think we’re off to a good start.
And that’s just one of many things that’s been going right for me lately. I am not a religious person in any sense of the word, and I’m not sure if I’m even spiritual, but I’d still use the word “blessed” to describe how I’m feeling nowadays. It seems to be the adjective that works.
A little over a month ago I got everything that I needed that I was waiting for at my job. This, in and of itself, was truly wonderful news. This happening means that I’m basically now able to work at 100%. So, 5 months after I started, I’m now allowed to do my job completely. It is a huge relief. Not to mention I’m excited to finally be challenged and deeply involved in my career again. My days have been extremely fulfilling. I am grateful.
I’ve also met quite a great group of people throughout the company who I have become good friends with, or as good of friends as one can be when knowing someone for this short of a period. And I’ve signed up for the company softball team, which is basically an excuse to go out for drinks afterwards, so I’m looking forward to getting to know more people outside of work this way too. I’m grateful for the existence of these like-minded, funny, down-to-earth new people in my life.
We have an amazing home here, thank goodness. We both feel so comfortable and, well, at home in this place. And amazingly enough, our 73-year-old landlady, who is also our immediate next-door neighbor (we live in a duplex), is wonderfully fabulous and magnificent. We’ve really made this place our own, and it’s truly like a haven for me. Can’t get much better than that, especially when living far way from my [previous] home.
Which, speaking of my previous home, I’ve luckily gotten to visit quite often. Or people have come out to visit me. Or I’ve gotten to FaceTime or Skype with some of them. This is the advantage of living away, but not too far. I’m loving it.
B is in a trade school right now, something she’s always wanted to do, in an all-women program. She is loving it, and so very happy with everything about it. She’s made some great friends (a few lesbians even!) and really, it’s one of the best things that’s happened to her since we moved here. I’m so happy for her and for this opportunity. I hope it pans out into something she loves and is happy with. So far, so good.
And life with an animal back in the house is a good one. He is sweet when he sleeps, but mostly, he is “attack kitty,” and that’s usually fun, minus the bites and scratches. He is getting big so quick. He rules this house and he knows it.
So life has been going quite nicely, overall. It’s not without it’s difficulties but the good is so very good right now, so I’m not complaining about anything. Not even the $1,000 I spent on getting new tires and brakes and rotors and an alignment, and the $400 I’m spending to get my car transferred and registered in Maryland. I’m not even going to complain!
We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. – Frederick Keonig
Ollie says hello. It's a tough life. Really.
I haven’t had time to write. But I miss it, so I will soon. In the meantime, here’s a little kitten action. He likes to play and get into whatever he can while he’s in the office with me in the weekends. I realize this was way cuter while it was happening in person than after the fact on film, but still.
I love dogs. Especially pit bulls. After Gracie came into our lives and we got to know more about the breed and how great they are with children, how sweet and affectionate their personalities are, how loyal and smart they are – I knew I would always have one. Once you get to know about these dogs, to not be their advocates would be a disservice to them – they have so many idiot people set out to destroying them, they need as many allies as they can get.
I miss Gracie and I miss having a dog in my life, but my landlord won’t allow dogs. So I started volunteering at my local county’s animal shelter. It is VERY rewarding work, and I really feel like I’m making a difference. A lot of the dogs in there are pit bulls or pit bull mixes, of course, and so I’m pretty happy about that, and I really try to focus my time and energy on them because a lot of the volunteers are teenage kids just earning volunteer hours and they’d rather play with the puppies than anything else. These dogs exemplify every wonderful trait about their breed – they smile so big when they see you, their whole entire body wagging in excitement, their ears tilted up, waiting to listen to what you have to say. Are you going to give them a treat? Take them for a walk? Pet them? Is someone here to see them? Sometimes it’s so very sad, the way they lay in the corner, mopey and depressed, no stimulation or humans to attend to. And I think of Gracie, the way she looked at us when we first saw her in that cage, those eyes looking up at us, so hopeful. I want to rescue all the dogs. I really do. My heart expands for them, for the unconditional love and happiness they want to bestow upon any human willing to give them a chance. Whenever I get sad about not being able to take one, not even one, I remember what I’m doing there, how much love and help I’m giving to them while they are in this crappy place, and at least there’s that. At least I’m loving them as best as I can until somebody more permanent comes along. It’s not anything very big, but it’s something. And I think Gracie is proud.
And so dogs are out (per our lease) but cats are not, and so I’ve been asking B if we could adopt one. B likes animals but she could live the rest of her life without having one personally. This is hard for me to understand, hard for me to relate to. I am an animal lover in all ways and I know how much happier and fuller they make my life. And so she was reluctant, of course, for all the reasons that people are; pointing out all of the negatives which of course I know are there but the positives always outweigh for me. And so finally she agrees I can get a cat (just me, not her, so this’ll be my cat and she’ll just be around to love it. Fine then!). And so I start looking for kittens but they are all adopted very quickly, before I even have a chance to lay eyes on them.
This Wednesday I called an animal shelter in West Virginia, only about a half hour ride from our house, (scary!) and they said they did have a few kittens, so we drove there. I only wanted a girl but when we got there we saw this sweet boy. When we held him he cuddled in our arms and purred and even B held him and I think she melted a little. We picked him up last night after he got neutered, and so now he’s home. I’m now a fur mommy again.
I’m such a fucking sap, you know, because I’m been feeling very emotional and very reflective throughout this process. I’ve been remembering Gracie and what getting her was like; I’m remembering that I wouldn’t even be getting this kitten if Gracie hadn’t died; I’m remembering what it’s like to reach out when you’re laying in bed and feel the softness of your friend underneath your fingers. And I feel happy that I’m rescuing another animal life and that I get to be on the receiving end of that unconditional love once again. I just love animals, and I’m grateful to be able to live with one again.
So, here he is. Meet Oliver Hemi Zeus. Ollie for short.
Friday was the year anniversary of Gracie’s death. It was good that I’ve been so busy and have had very little time to dwell in it. I have the box of her ashes out and waiting for a permanent spot in the house. Once things get a bit more settled, we’ll figure out the best place for her.
Dear Gracie,
I cannot believe it’s been a year already that you were taken from me. I think about you daily, as the pictures around this place are constant reminders of you, and thankfully most days the thoughts of you are happy ones. I’m still not sure what purpose your death has, what it was supposed to mean. I don’t understand how a healthy dog of 5 dies. Still, I try to be grateful for the time we did have together… but it is hard. I needed you more than ever in my post-heartbreak state, and your absence further ripped at my being.
I wish you could be a part of this new change in my life. There would have been a whole house for you to explore and get into trouble in. There are mountains here with lots of dog-friendly trails; places to bike and run as well. I see other owners with their dogs walking around town – sniffing exciting grass or bushes or poles – and I know you would have loved it. We take drives around the country, one of your favorite places, and check out the cows and fields and streams. I’ve never been here with you but still, I think of you.
I miss your kisses and the smell of your doggie fur. I miss your happy greeting whenever I came home or even came out of the bathroom. I miss the clicking of your nails on the hardwood. I miss your tricks and your bark and the warmth of your body as you layed near me at night. I miss the family that we were.
I know that your death means that one day I’ll rescue another doggie, and this will be a wonderful thing and I think you’ll be proud of me. Until then, it’s still your picture and your ashes and the memories of you. It hurts more than I can say, but I think you already know.
Still missing you and loving you like crazy,
Your Mama
Rainbow Bridge
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill, is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run, when their time on the earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next, is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play, till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness, for here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed, their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care, until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back, then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met; together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past, the time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart, has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever, and then, side by side, they cross over… together.
Remember that cabin in Mehoopany we went to a few times last year? The one that sits on top of a mountain with spectacular views, is cut off from technology and people, and is generally one of the most special places I’ve ever been? We’re FINALLY going this year. It has been that crazy for us this summer that we haven’t had a chance to go. We’re officially on the calendar for the last weekend in August and I also took an extra two days off of work. Hello mini-vacation. I’m so looking forward to it.
The only part that will be hard is that all of my memories involving Mehoopany involve Gracie. In fact, I’ve never gone to the cabin without her so I imagine it will be quite difficult this time. She loved it there. That dog would be happy anywhere, honestly, as long as she was with her people … but boy, she was almost made for that place. I highlighted once in a post how much fun she had via pictures, which you can see here and there’s some more here and a few here as well.
I’m going to do some kind of memorial for her up there. I’ve gotten a few ideas from friends and I think I have a good idea as to what I want to do. I love the idea of something of hers being there and me having a place to go up there that connects me to her.
Bittersweet, I tell you.
The Others Have Spoken