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Rocky Gap State Park, Maryland
Fall is my favorite time of year, without a doubt. It is filled with things I love: crisp weather, pumpkin-flavored anything, warm drinks, sweatshirts, knitted hats, fires, corn mazes, pick-your-own apples and pumpkins, brilliant colors against vibrant blue skies, and those last ditch efforts of outside activity to enjoy the last bits of nice weather.
B, her sister, and her nephews at a pumpkin patch / corn maze extravaganza
October is also a bit sad for me, as I torture myself with the remembrance of Gracie’s death, and try so very hard instead to remember her life. I wrote as much as I could in the past about Gracie’s death, but I could only bring myself to read this one right now. Gracie’s ashes, collar, and one of my favorite pictures of her sits in china cabinet in my dining room. This cabinet, and the buffet that goes along with it that is also in my dining room, belongs to my great-great grandmom, so it was built in the late 1800’s. This may seem far off but her daughter, my great-grandmom, is still alive, so I feel very close to these wooden pieces of furniture. I can picture the life that lived around them, and I spent many hours in the home that they lived in. I like having Gracie’s ashes there. They are not in my face daily, but I know they are there. It just all feels so very right.
My nephew SG (my best friend's son) at the pumpkin patch
B graduated school around the middle of August, then applied for a job at her top choice company a week later, and then a few days later began the interview process, which was long. She was hired (hooray!) and by the 12th of September she started her training – which (un)fortunately for her, was mostly trips to D.C. and Baltimore – hellish for a truck driver, obviously, but great training nonetheless. Practicing in places like that means she should be able to handle almost anything. The most negative part of her training is that because there are only male trainers, she wasn’t allowed to do any overnight trips (company policy), and her job will be mostly all overnight trips. So, she wasn’t happy about that, but there’s not much she could do. Last week they released her from training with confidence, and she went on her first overnight trip AND her first run by herself to INDIANA. Which really seems so far away. The country pretty much falls off the map for me after Ohio, and starts back up again around Utah, so I had to get online to see where Indiana sits in relation to Maryland. What? I’m not embarrassed to admit it! We all know the east coast is the best coast so that’s all I try to worry my head with : ) Anyway, it was a straightforward run and she did great and all is well. She has more runs out that way this week. I’m excited for her and proud of her. She’s awesome.
I could never drive one of these things, but I sure do look cute in 'em!
Roller derby has been occupying most of my free time. It’s been quite a labor of love. It is some of the hardest exercise and skill building I’ve ever had to do. Learning how to do things on skates that I haven’t even done off-skates has been quite challenging. But I show up, every practice, and work. It’s been three months and me and another fresh meat skater are scheduled to take our minimum skills test on Thursday the 27th. I am so nervous about it that I feel nauseous, DAILY. No kidding. I know I’ll be fine… really, I will. They wouldn’t have scheduled us to take it if they weren’t confident in us, and I know that. Still, it doesn’t make it any less nerve-wracking. I’ve also settled on a derby name, which is quite a big deal, especially considering there’s a roster of over 10,000 names and you can’t take another skaters name or have a similar name. I won’t announce my name until things are official (I pass my test and get it registered with no problems) 
Some of my teammates and I at an all-girl's after school program <3 Here I'm demonstrating single knee falls
So, have you noticed the “Gracie Mac Photography” watermarks on the pics? I changed my photography website from Studio 24 Photography to Gracie Mac Photography. I wanted a change, and as you know, Gracie Mac is a more personal name for me. You can check out the new look on my website, www.graciemacphotography.com
On a wagon ride. Somebody's tired.
Today would have been Gracie’s 7th birthday. I’m remembering her today. I went over to the cabinet where she now sits – her ashes, her collar, and a picture in a cute doggy frame with her happy, smiling face in it – and I just stared, thinking about the irony of it all. I think about what it would be like to have her here with me, alive and dancing and warm.
I’m so sad that she’s gone, but I’m happy for ever having her here. Happy Birthday girl.
I love dogs. Especially pit bulls. After Gracie came into our lives and we got to know more about the breed and how great they are with children, how sweet and affectionate their personalities are, how loyal and smart they are – I knew I would always have one. Once you get to know about these dogs, to not be their advocates would be a disservice to them – they have so many idiot people set out to destroying them, they need as many allies as they can get.
I miss Gracie and I miss having a dog in my life, but my landlord won’t allow dogs. So I started volunteering at my local county’s animal shelter. It is VERY rewarding work, and I really feel like I’m making a difference. A lot of the dogs in there are pit bulls or pit bull mixes, of course, and so I’m pretty happy about that, and I really try to focus my time and energy on them because a lot of the volunteers are teenage kids just earning volunteer hours and they’d rather play with the puppies than anything else. These dogs exemplify every wonderful trait about their breed – they smile so big when they see you, their whole entire body wagging in excitement, their ears tilted up, waiting to listen to what you have to say. Are you going to give them a treat? Take them for a walk? Pet them? Is someone here to see them? Sometimes it’s so very sad, the way they lay in the corner, mopey and depressed, no stimulation or humans to attend to. And I think of Gracie, the way she looked at us when we first saw her in that cage, those eyes looking up at us, so hopeful. I want to rescue all the dogs. I really do. My heart expands for them, for the unconditional love and happiness they want to bestow upon any human willing to give them a chance. Whenever I get sad about not being able to take one, not even one, I remember what I’m doing there, how much love and help I’m giving to them while they are in this crappy place, and at least there’s that. At least I’m loving them as best as I can until somebody more permanent comes along. It’s not anything very big, but it’s something. And I think Gracie is proud.
And so dogs are out (per our lease) but cats are not, and so I’ve been asking B if we could adopt one. B likes animals but she could live the rest of her life without having one personally. This is hard for me to understand, hard for me to relate to. I am an animal lover in all ways and I know how much happier and fuller they make my life. And so she was reluctant, of course, for all the reasons that people are; pointing out all of the negatives which of course I know are there but the positives always outweigh for me. And so finally she agrees I can get a cat (just me, not her, so this’ll be my cat and she’ll just be around to love it. Fine then!). And so I start looking for kittens but they are all adopted very quickly, before I even have a chance to lay eyes on them.
This Wednesday I called an animal shelter in West Virginia, only about a half hour ride from our house, (scary!) and they said they did have a few kittens, so we drove there. I only wanted a girl but when we got there we saw this sweet boy. When we held him he cuddled in our arms and purred and even B held him and I think she melted a little. We picked him up last night after he got neutered, and so now he’s home. I’m now a fur mommy again.
I’m such a fucking sap, you know, because I’m been feeling very emotional and very reflective throughout this process. I’ve been remembering Gracie and what getting her was like; I’m remembering that I wouldn’t even be getting this kitten if Gracie hadn’t died; I’m remembering what it’s like to reach out when you’re laying in bed and feel the softness of your friend underneath your fingers. And I feel happy that I’m rescuing another animal life and that I get to be on the receiving end of that unconditional love once again. I just love animals, and I’m grateful to be able to live with one again.
So, here he is. Meet Oliver Hemi Zeus. Ollie for short.
Friday was the year anniversary of Gracie’s death. It was good that I’ve been so busy and have had very little time to dwell in it. I have the box of her ashes out and waiting for a permanent spot in the house. Once things get a bit more settled, we’ll figure out the best place for her.
Dear Gracie,
I cannot believe it’s been a year already that you were taken from me. I think about you daily, as the pictures around this place are constant reminders of you, and thankfully most days the thoughts of you are happy ones. I’m still not sure what purpose your death has, what it was supposed to mean. I don’t understand how a healthy dog of 5 dies. Still, I try to be grateful for the time we did have together… but it is hard. I needed you more than ever in my post-heartbreak state, and your absence further ripped at my being.
I wish you could be a part of this new change in my life. There would have been a whole house for you to explore and get into trouble in. There are mountains here with lots of dog-friendly trails; places to bike and run as well. I see other owners with their dogs walking around town – sniffing exciting grass or bushes or poles – and I know you would have loved it. We take drives around the country, one of your favorite places, and check out the cows and fields and streams. I’ve never been here with you but still, I think of you.
I miss your kisses and the smell of your doggie fur. I miss your happy greeting whenever I came home or even came out of the bathroom. I miss the clicking of your nails on the hardwood. I miss your tricks and your bark and the warmth of your body as you layed near me at night. I miss the family that we were.
I know that your death means that one day I’ll rescue another doggie, and this will be a wonderful thing and I think you’ll be proud of me. Until then, it’s still your picture and your ashes and the memories of you. It hurts more than I can say, but I think you already know.
Still missing you and loving you like crazy,
Your Mama
Rainbow Bridge
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill, is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run, when their time on the earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next, is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play, till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness, for here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed, their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care, until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back, then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met; together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past, the time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart, has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever, and then, side by side, they cross over… together.
Remember that cabin in Mehoopany we went to a few times last year? The one that sits on top of a mountain with spectacular views, is cut off from technology and people, and is generally one of the most special places I’ve ever been? We’re FINALLY going this year. It has been that crazy for us this summer that we haven’t had a chance to go. We’re officially on the calendar for the last weekend in August and I also took an extra two days off of work. Hello mini-vacation. I’m so looking forward to it.
The only part that will be hard is that all of my memories involving Mehoopany involve Gracie. In fact, I’ve never gone to the cabin without her so I imagine it will be quite difficult this time. She loved it there. That dog would be happy anywhere, honestly, as long as she was with her people … but boy, she was almost made for that place. I highlighted once in a post how much fun she had via pictures, which you can see here and there’s some more here and a few here as well.
I’m going to do some kind of memorial for her up there. I’ve gotten a few ideas from friends and I think I have a good idea as to what I want to do. I love the idea of something of hers being there and me having a place to go up there that connects me to her.
Bittersweet, I tell you.
This has been a difficult month for me in regards to missing my dog. I don’t know what it is but I’ve had so many triggers and I haven’t really been able to direct them into positive emotion. I have wept – that hysterical, can’t breathe, painful crying – twice in the last few weeks. Once alone in my room and once with B.
I still sometimes can’t believe she’s really gone. Still.
I mentioned that fact to B when I was vomiting my emotion all over her the other night. She sounded surprised. And in summary, when talking about my grief, she mentioned to me that “It’s been almost a year,” – implying that it’s been enough time to grieve. I filled with anger. Anger that I don’t tap into very often. Rage almost. And hurt that she could think that – let alone say it.
The way she said it was almost as if I cry about Gracie every day. As if I can’t function or mention her daily in the 9 months since she has passed away. That doesn’t happen. My moments are occasional (to me) and usually really mild- like a “Hey, I really miss Gracie today.”
Who is to say how long we have to grieve? Where’s the fucking rule book that says after 9 months I shouldn’t have a good weeping session, shouldn’t find it hard to believe that my best pal is gone? You know, this is why I don’t mention it much to my friends or my family anymore – because she has been gone for some time and I’m too exhausted to have the judgment of how I grieve being given to me. And then there my girlfriend goes and does it.
It’s hard enough not to feel psycho on my own with the sometimes astounding sadness that can overcome me. Over a dog. But you know, it was just me and her. She was my family. And I can’t help it – I miss her.
I am feeling more and more ready to love another, although my living situation won’t let it. That’s probably a good thing for now.
The latest revelation though that has gotten me sad is that I can’t remember what she smells like. It bums me out more than I can say.
The Others Have Spoken